The 2011 Year's End

It’s time to put another year behind me. I thought about using these last couple days of it to process paperwork and tidy up spaces, but then I thought to hell with it. I’m pretty useless for doing too much of anything physical right now anyway, as I’m stricken with a screwed-up back for this last bit of the year. Instead of sitting around and having my senses accosted with a stupid series of mono-show marathons playing on TV at this time of the year on all channels, I chose to do something a little more cerebral and reflective instead.

My overall state of sentiment for the year of 2011 is a blend of gratitude and sorrow respectively about both successes and failures that are either new or continuing. The simplest way I can think of to describe this year overall is to view things within a matrix of good versus bad, and gain versus loss. Here then is the outlined breakdown of the year using those criteria:

Good Gains

·         Health-wise, I have more muscle tone, stamina, stronger heart and lungs, and regained at least six years worth of physical health

·         Achieving greater than half-marathon endurance during the fall

·         Beautiful weather throughout the summer, fall, and early winter for me to be outside more

·         Being able to run outside shirtless in summer without giving anyone some compulsion to call the cops. The bonus was a nice tan.

·         Better able to express myself in writing

·         Wii system: it’s allowing me to actually express my anger in a more harmless and cathartic manner

·         World-wide protests: against capitalism gone out of control on Wall Street, and by the pro-democracy public, especially in North Africa/the  Middle East (Egypt, Yemen, Libya, Syria), to rise up against their own iron-fisted despots

·         Finding the will to enter the dating scene again

Good Losses

·         Excess weight and inches of waistline

·         The deaths of Osama bin Laden, Mohamar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il. Hopefully this world can become a little better place now that we’re rid of a few less fanatical, antagonistic, tyrannical shit-disturbers

Bad Losses

·         Deaths of Steve Jobs, Jack Layton, essayist Christopher Hitchens, and my Grandmother

·         Most of the NDP and Green Party candidates from the last provincial election; thus a less balanced voice in the provincial legislature

·         Earthquake in Japan, The Slave Lake fires, floods in the Philippines, any other natural disasters that occurred on a massive scale that I failed to list

·         My chance to go on a trip to Costa Rica (or anywhere else for that matter)

·         Failure to negotiate a more substantial wage increase for my co-workers and peers

·         Investments are performing in a most shitty manner

Bad Gains

·         Debt

·         Grey hair now migrating to eyebrows

·         Extra pounds since mid-November

·         Back pain for this last week of the year

·         More mass mob stupidity on the globe, I especially refer to this year’s riots in Vancouver and London

Continual Bad

·          Realizing this year, more than ever, just how badly my work schedule deprives me of quality social, personal, and self-development time

·         Overall more loneliness (few people around or available when I have free time to share, or during the few times that I need help with something)

·         I’m still treated as just a “friend”, or “like a brother” to most women I date (it’s not a friggin’ compliment!). The testosterone I have left in me makes me want to puke every time I hear or see some reaction akin to that.

Continual Good

·         My ever-strengthening bond with my one best friend

·         Continuing my commitment to life-long learning

·         Urge to remain health conscious

·         Feeling more centred spiritually

After all this reflecting, I’ve given thought about the things I’ll need to take better steps ahead for the next year coming that’s only a few hours away. I’m happy to say that I have most of them around me now; it’s just a matter of getting organized, and enhancing and using things differently. Rather than processing stuff in the same old manner, with the same old bad habits, it would probably be a better thing to deploy a scorched earth policy on some areas of my life, and start on fresh new ground.

Boxing Day

Christmas passed by fine enough. On top of what we already do as a family for the holiday, I also got re-acquainted with the gentlemanly pastime of playing darts along with my nephews; that plus dominoes. I knew I had some as a kid, but didn’t take interest in them then, and there was no one around who really knew how to play them. I encountered them again as an adult while in South America, where they were a popular game amongst the young and old alike. They seemed to be a ubiquitous feature on the tables in the outdoor taverns and cafes during late afternoon as friends and patrons played and chatted, and unwound with some beer or pop in the heat of the day. They are a reminder of the pleasantness of what the true essence of what a game, as I feel, is supposed to be: something essentially simple yet challenging; yet fun and social. I find chess to be OK, but chess is more complicated, seems to only attract introverts, and it only seems to make introverted people withdraw even more into themselves as they sit there calculating strategies. I can’t stand it when people make simple games or sports (which are just more glorified forms of time-wasting) less fun and more serious and intellectual than they need to be. I can’t be troubled into memorizing, and then being led to argue about, a few decades worth of sports statistics like it’s somehow going to change the world. It’s bad enough that I know the crazy amount of trivia that I do never mind adding sports plays to my synapses. If I were stranded on a desert island with ten other “professional” people, and if I were the one responsible to pick the five most useful and practical of them to aid in survival and then let the rest perish, if there was a sportscaster among them, he would be the most likely one to be chopped into fish bait first.
 

It’s the evening of Boxing Day and I’m supposed to be working my bloody night shift tonight. As always, I’m not at all up for the challenge. I didn’t go through anything as intensely insane and exhausting as Boxing Day shopping, but I did travel, did some laundry, picked through a shitload of unread email, replied to some, deleted others, tried to enhance my Mom’s computer’s performance (with much futility), plus attended to lots of other things that kept my from getting the sleep that I seem to desperately need.

There seems to be just too much free floating fuzzy thoughts in my mind right now to even allow me to sleep anyway, even if I didn’t have all this other stuff to do.  Writing to collect and examine them is like trying to snatch a single drifting dandelion seed out of the air: the focused effort to swiftly catch one only makes some wild turbulence that pushes it further away from your grasp. This is exactly the kind of bewilderment I have to learn to work past if I’m ever to get into the momentum of committing to the missions of the New Year. Sadly, it seems like the only remedy for it is to press myself into writing even more, no matter how nonsensical. Stab and swish long enough into the air and perhaps eventually something might get captured.

The New Year’s missions themselves haven’t got true forms or names yet, or at least any that I would be comfortable to admit publically yet. Words and qualities like: simple, efficient, balanced, creative, profitable, measurable, dynamic, portable, alternative, transferable, inexpensive all appeal and have value for me, but to square them up with a vision, or the time I’ll be given, and to make them congruent to the wildly varied skills, knowledge and interests I already have seems to be a huge undertaking.

Five Questions, Five Answers: Winter Solstice

1.       Q: Why is the winter solstice significant to you?

 A: The date with longest night of the year, at this latitude where the time between sunset and sunrise is close to 17 hours long, occurring just nine or ten days before year’s end seems it should warrant something very meaningful. In the depth of this profound darkness, it’s like I become instinctually attuned into trying to crawl out of it and think of the future more, and I look at this last week and a half as that prime time of planning for what I want to see coming ahead for myself in the New Year. This month, it seems that the extra darkness at this time of year has been really making me screwy. I have a lot of mixed split shifts falling on early morning/late evening throughout this week; add to that the fact that there has been hardly any snow around to reflect more light outside, and solstice falls right at the time when the lunar cycle waning into new moon phase, it seems like the past few nights have been freakishly darker and longer than I’ve ever experienced. Perhaps that will just make me feel more pressured and desperate to change things once 2012 rolls in. It’s getting to be evermore exhausting in battling the depressive torpor that comes along during this season that I think I could just easily collapse into. I’m all the more thankful that I have Christmas off this year.

2.       Q: Are you affecting any positive changes now?

 A:  I’m dating again. I’m not going to say too much, because I feel like I’ll jinx myself if I do. Let me just say that it’s definitely not happening like the last few times in the past. It actually feels like something a hell of a lot different than a miserable job interview or a trip to the dentist*. I’ve been actually having a good time, and I feel like I’m actually connecting with a wonderful like-minded person (first time in a long time). I’m just taking it all day by day, moment by moment, avoiding analyzing things too much; thus thereby doing us both a favour by avoiding putting any ridiculous and unrealistic expectations and speculations on the table. 

3.       Q: Were you getting really bitter and angry about rejection?

 A: More accurately, what I’ve gotten frustrated and angry about is not so much “rejection”; but about “failure of fair and sensible acceptance”. It probably stems from my days working through the Justice department at the sexual assault centre. That experience undoubtedly had a huge impact in regards to my manner of approaching women. There was a need back then for me to consciously suppress appearances of looking too threatening or “virile” while working in that environment. In my private life, I really wanted to avoid the smelly shit pile of drama and suffering that could be created if any overt romantic interest I had in someone became poorly communicated, or misunderstood**. I hence didn’t do anything publically or privately that could have been misconstrued as unwanted provocation, or flirting no matter how innocent, neutral, practical, or natural the circumstances were. One would think that helping victims out would be something noble or heroic to do, but once I mentioned my occupation in casual conversation to others, people often avoided me like the plague, finding some excuse to leave the room and my presence . . . especially women. Because the work demanded a high degree of confidentiality, I couldn’t talk about it for fear of inadvertently disclosing details, and I had nothing else to talk about outside the topic of work. I was trying to do this very challenging thing for others, working on their behalf for some ideal of justice and righteousness, and yet I was the one being treated like an outcast. I felt very lonely and alienated, and even did some stupid things to compensate for it***. Meanwhile, the asshole psycho predators that we were trying to get off the street, more often than not, had wives and girlfriends, who were still stupidly faithful and loyal to these men, even while these guys were abusing them along with others. When these bastards were caught, they were penned up with murderers and violent offenders, some of whom were getting love letters and marriage proposals in jail. Life seemed so unfair for me that way: these monsters were getting others to tolerate, accept, and even love them; at the same time, I was struggling just to have people acknowledge me. I think noting these ironies made me very disillusioned about even bothering to give much thought or effort into pursuing some kind of relationship. I’ve witnessed and could cite more examples of this kind of dynamic involving people I know in recent history, but mentioning them here and now would be pointless, upsetting to them, and exhausting; it would only spur on more revulsion than I already have about this detestable facet of the human condition. I suppose that’s my way of feeling bitter and jaded about the topic.             

4.       Q: Any other big ideas in the coming New Year?

 A: I’m going to be taking more interest in re-inventing a new career path for myself, and continue my journey of life-long learning. Too complicated to explain for now; how I wish it were easier. I think I have consciously and purposely given myself harder challenges ahead in the spot I’m in, to help give me more incentive to escape the rut I think I’m in now.

5.       Q:  Last question . . . any maxims from this year that you could take into next year?

 A: Never underestimate the power of kaizen.

*- A trip to the dentist, or a bad job interview might actually have been better in a couple of cases.

**- After spending countless hours of researching, processing, and reviewing all sorts of scenarios of the legal ramifications and trouble one can face with even the slightest of actions being misinterpreted: bouncing around on a pogo stick through a minefield looked a hell of a lot safer than trying to ask someone out on a date.

***- Stupid things . . . like succumbing to the foolish notion that joining and going to a church was somehow going to help me solve my problems, or make me a better person.

Here Wii Go...

I finally think (or at least hope) that I’m shaking off this bloody cold/flu/whatever-the-hell-bug-this-is, which has been compromising my bodily systems for over a week now. I’ve had no energy to move, much less exercise, and all I felt like was just a weak, bloated, sneezing barrel of lung phlegm and snot. I’ve never been stomped down this hard from a mere cold ever, and the frustration and urgency to relieve myself from it has forced me to gulp down copious amounts of Neo-Citron. I like how it temporarily cures me from the respiratory discomfort and allows me to sleep; I hate the long spells of low-grade delirium, grogginess, and foggy-mindedness this shit inflicts on me. When I’m in this state, it’s like the parts of my cortex that can usually keep me entertained with whimsical thought are switched off, and I just lie in bed inert, bored stupid. When I’m bored stupid, I tend do some very irrational things all for the sake of jumpstarting my wits with some form of novelty.

During this go around of trying to curb the hyper-tedium, due to being under the influence of NC, I went out and purchased a Wii console for myself. I somehow caved to the notion that it would be in my best interest to join the rest of the sheeple of the 21^st century gaming universe, and concede to some impulse to engage in even more frivolous time-wasting in introverted isolation than I already do. It’s like I got summoned to join the Dark Side of the Force. As I was driving home*, along with long-scripted rationalizations about how long and boring winter was going to be, and how this was ultimately cheaper than some vacation I’d just be going on alone anyway, I reflected about how, years back in University, I wrote a term paper in a developmental psychology class, about the effects of depictions of explicit violence, through video game playing. It was the best academic submission I ever wrote, gaining me the highest mark I ever had in a university class. I noted a lot of predictions back then related to the course of technical development in the video gaming industry, and how it will ultimately lead to drastic changes the future of childhood psychological development. My professor thought I should follow up on this topic further should I ever decide to do research on it at a Masters level.  The problem was that I was a bit too much of a visionary, and the technology that I forecasted as coming didn’t yet exist, for there to base any experimentation on. ** Some of my predictions about the upgrading of interactivity, increased time used for and variety of game play, degree of realistic violence, and the dark side of computer technology as entertainment came true. Thinking of that, along with getting this system somehow made me feel like a bit of a sell-out.

Outwardly, I do like, and am very comfortable with, experimenting with new technology. However, this love affair with it has some limits for me, and I try not to allow bells and whistles fascinate me too much, or draw me into the delusion that technology is my salvation. By no means am I a Luddite, but I do think there are areas in life where there is a risk of getting corrupted and having social instability due to over-reliance on technology for everything in our communication and entertainment purposes as it develops faster than our pace to tame it all by putting  values, morals and etiquette on it; putting people at greater risk of: social apathy and desensitization to the human condition, ignorance and lost skill of non-technical ways of communicating, decline into alienation, anomie, and isolation. I admit that I do like computer games, but not to the extent where they get too grossly and pointlessly violent. I do have a few games for my PC, some could be termed as violent, but they are WWII games which I engage in for the sake of more historical interest than the violence, and I don't use my computer as a game dedicated system, I do actual work with it from time to time. Getting a system that’s just dedicated to game entertainment though seems somehow more irresponsible. I thought as well that it would be a drastic decline in my maturity if I went down this avenue, as being immersed in these virtual environments could be considered no different than playing around in a digital dollhouse.

However, I discovered something wonderfully revolutionary once I unpacked the console and set it up. With the built in Wi-Fi receiver of this new model of Wii system, I found the Wii channels, and a new whole take on interfacing with the Internet. I spent at least an hour doing a very adult thing of reading news from around the world. The thing is that I was actually “spinning” a virtual globe, to access some very poignant news articles on politics, science and technology, etc., posted throughout this interface created by Nintendo. The first headline that piqued my curiosity was the irony of Ray Bradbury’s novel Fahrenheit 451 being re-licensed, released, and distributed in ebook format before its copyright expired. The irony of this is that this novel sort of foretold the coming day when the essence of the printed book itself was going to meet its demise, and a culture of higher literacy would be abandoned as people advanced and embraced higher technology. Ultimately, people become indifferent to violence and the welfare of their neighbours, and society consequently degenerated because books, and any chance to be deeply engaged with the treasures of literature, were destroyed. It was strange to read this report about an old codger like Bradbury and his initial resistance in allowing his book to be converted into this format; then becoming open (or feeling forced) to allowing it to be so. Sort of the same way and on the same day as my resistance disappeared and allowed for acceptance of owning a gaming system.

The other cool thing I found through the Wii system is access to the Wii Voting Channel, where Wii users can respond to polling questions *** and review how their votes compare to the tallied results on a variety of topics.

I shall look at this as just another hobby, and not allow it to become some sort of addiction. The positive side of getting this thing is that it will help open up another avenue of rapport for engaging with some of the people I serve. Because I like Bond films, I purchased 007 Goldeneye as my first game. I hope all the time wasted shooting things doesn't go to my head, or give me a compulsion to start burning up my book collection.

*-with a head full of Neo Citron; in a condition where I shouldn’t have been driving to begin with, I must confess.

**-in my last year I was in university, there was no such thing as publically accessible Internet on campus yet, and 16-bit systems were just coming out as the ‘most advanced’ gaming consoles around (God, do I ever feel old now!).

***- Undoubtedly a survey method used by Nintendo for collecting data for their product development and marketing machine, but also a cool way to study demographics interactively.

Five Questions, Five Answers: Entry 3 – Sick Day

1.       Q: It’s a sick day for you. You look and feel horrible. Are you sure you want to do this?

A: I have not much energy for anything else, and nothing else better to do. My mind is totally draped in a fog from both boredom and the side effects of Neo-Citron. It might be well worth a laugh to read it later after I recover; then see and study the specimens of pulp that got coughed up from my conscience.

2.       Q: What have you been doing with the rare moments of lucidity you’ve had during this day?

A: Reading a book called The Power of Less, by Leo Babauta. It contains material and suggestions that suit my objectives I mentioned before in the last entry. It seems ironic that I’m dwelling on a chapter called Simple Focus, since it’s something I’ve been finding almost impossible to do all day.

3.       Q: Were there at least any kaizen moments happening today?

A: I added some more categories to a research database I’ve been constructing. That’s all I had in me. Trying to have the vision of how this thing is ultimately supposed to look like and function, and taking the steps backwards to fill in its innards is a really hard process to think about now in the current state I’m in. A chimp banging a ball-peen hammer on my keyboard would have a better chance at making the thing work than I would if I were trying to create formulas with this brain full of cold medication. I really hate the bloody after effects of lingering sedation.

4.       Q: Back to last entry’s content . . . a nerve was struck when you were confronted with the question about planning for creative expression. What happened since then?  

A: I came face to face with the shocking realization of just how long it has been since I really engaged in any hobbies or pastimes that cultivate any meaningful form of self-expression or self-actualization. I did running during the summer for the sake of getting healthier, and that consumed a lot of my personal time, but it’s not what I would consider a form of self-expression, or a passion, or even a fancy. Psychologically, at best, it was just a method of teaching me how the process of setting higher goals for oneself can be really satisfying, and that there was a beneficial result after. I have very few things around here in my living space that I would deem as trophies of achievement, or proof of having some ability to fashion something of some substantial quality from one any particular talent. Once I took a reckoning of that fact, I began to feel somewhat disappointed, and I feel kind of angry that I’ve been robbing myself of so much quality time.

5.       Q: Now that you know that, what’s going to happen next?

A: As I’m still feeling crappy enough with this cold, I’ll have to call in sick for tomorrow. The only advantage of being sick at home is that I won’t have enough energy to waste in plying myself to busywork trying to distract myself and avoiding that question anymore. I may have to force myself to explore it further between coughs, sneezes, and periods of being goofed up on Neo-Citron.

Five Questions, Five Answers: Entry 2 - Limits

1.       Q: In the pilot 5Q5A entry, you mentioned focusing on simplifying things by imposing tighter limits on your writing activity. Can you explain how you’re [going to be] doing this?

A: I consciously give myself a timeframe to work within, and an environment where I’m least distracted. I don’t use anything as obviously formal and annoying as an alarm; I do use something of a more passive and enjoyable as a time indicator, like a preset music playlist from iTunes. Music is the only distraction I’ll allow. It keeps me alert and provides me with a pace and flow to work with. I usually play techno, trance, or some soothing instrumental classical tunes (because it’s rhythmic, and there’s no extra singing in it to distract me). When the playlist stops playing, I stop writing. My ability to write, programme, and do calculations is inversely proportional to the number of other people hanging around me when I’m doing such things. It’s a type of performance anxiety I suppose. I need a high degree of solitude for brain work. Working at these things in a public place, classroom, or an open cubicle environment drives me absolutely insane, so another limit would be the number of people around me when I’m trying to concentrate. Whatever system I use, it seems I just get more done alone than I do working with others. Resisting the temptation in trying to do everything in one fell swoop is another thing to work on. I see that using baby steps and kaizen is probably the better way to go. I applaud the feat of one grad student mentioned in Tim Ferriss’ book, The 4 Hour Body, who was partying every night while in school; yet managed to complete his entire Ph.D. dissertation by limiting himself to writing one sentence each day through the duration of his academic year. I think that’s totally amazing.

2.       Q:  The end of the year is coming soon, and you usually plan a major project ahead of yourself for the coming New Year. Have you decided what you’re going to be doing yet? 

A: I know that late November/early December is the time when I usually start itching and dreaming to plan some action on getting some changes happening once January 1^st rolls around. This year, however, I seem to have been lost in a bit of a fog, thus I’m resorting to exercises like this one to promote some sort of clarity of vision. If I ever get a decent stretch of time off work before this year’s end, I’ll probably be using it to do the annual “office purge”. I rummage through my filing cabinet and hard drive(s) to empty spaces, so then there might be the inclination to see how I want those spaces refilled. I know my organization system will be changing majorly and radically. I’ll be using my scanner more to digitize, and render stuff to OCR compatible material as much as I can; ditching as much superfluous paper as possible. Once more stuff is digital, I hope I can take giant strides ahead with cutting, pasting, re-processing, and keeping what is essential, and having things kept to a minimum. That’s one priority I know I want to take care of, and perhaps a sphere of ideas will expand from there with the new modality of reclaimed space and digital efficiency. 

3.       Q: Between now and then is Christmas. Any thoughts as to what you’d want to get as a gift for yourself?

A: Realistically, it would be $200.00 or less. Initially I thought of getting a PVR, to record my favoured TV shows from my digital cable service. But, then I thought about how there’s less and less programming that’s interesting to me nowadays, and I already have a whole piss whack of shows recorded via Windows Media Centre stored on a hard drive somewhere that I haven’t even seen yet. There’s no time for it. The kid in me thought about a getting a Wii console. It’s a cheaper system that would allow me to at least be “active” with exercise programmes, but I’m even second guessing about this, as this system will probably be obsolete soon. Plus, logically, if I have no time for TV, where will the time come from for video games? I’ll figure out what I’ll get when I finish shopping for my loved ones, and then I’ll see what’s left moneywise and available inventory-wise after Christmas as the Boxing Day Sale madness escalates. 

4.       Q: Television and video games are stuff of the realm of introversion. What else could you get to force yourself to circulate and be more social?

A: A pass to the civic facilities, or a gym membership time is doable. It’s most practical and falls within my commitment to stay fit. But then again, so far I’ve found that the clientele that go the Field House during the hours I have time off are mostly just a bunch of near-dementia-addled old retirees, with whom I have nothing in common. Anyone else close to my age seems to be at work on a normal schedule. The arrogance and stuck up attitude I see from the younger people (especially from the ladies, surprisingly) dedicated to going to the gym is a real let down for me. It’s rare that people want to interact with me and vice versa. I hate wasting time and money at loud bars by myself, yelling at people to greet and chat with them (forced to make private conversation loud and public). I’ve checked out the local Leisure Guide numerous times in the past. There are lots of interesting classes, but again, they happen at times that aren’t available for me. I’m stuck at square one with this question.

5.       Q: Last Question . . . What you’ve planned (minimally) so far looks like it could satisfy the practical side of yourself, but what about the creative side of yourself, as hinted at in Q5 of the previous Q5A5 entry? 

A: Ah-ha . . . my first really challenging question I’ve encountered out of all of this. I’m glad it’s the last one. It looks like it’s time to hit the drawing board. Besides, my playlist has just finished now.

Five Questions, Five Answers: Pilot

Random interview questions selected from various sources (including myself); the answers I would have provided had they been directed to me personally. The ultimate purpose and goals for doing this are: to generate writing topics for various research and projects, to sharpen my wits and confidence, and to exercise and practice focused expression without interruptive criticism (which I find hard to avoid in real life).

1.       Q: Why the number five for this particular blog template/format?

A: The practice of journalism uses W5 (Who, What, Where, When, and Why). Neuroscience and psychological research shows that five to seven seems to be the norm in terms of the number of thoughts the average human brain can process at once; I chose to keep the things toward the simpler end of the spectrum. I’ve figured out that there are five subject realms that I would like to generally improve in my life (health, wealth, wisdom, good relations, and spirit). There’s a greater chance that I’ll find an answer related to at least one of those respective things if given an open question set that could potentially accommodate all of them, but at the same time keeps a tight limit on things so I can remain focused. I have a terrible habit of over-listing things and tasks. Too many balls hurled at me at once to catch and run with. My hope is that this will help to keep things corralled into a realm of the essential, so I’ll have a better chance of making things achievable.  

2.       Q: Why is this set up in a Q and A interview format?

A: When I’m asked a direct short, yet open-ended, question, I’ll hopefully be more inclined to respond with a short concise, yet open-ended answer that I can formulate to fuller (or better) completion. If I can do that, I can be more competent at focusing on, and relating a good idea, or a poignant and interesting story; using fewer words to stab at the heart of the matter. Besides that, fewer words used means less to proofread later.

3.       Q: Isn’t it strange to be asking yourself these things in the voice of a second person?

A: Honestly, it is. However, I have to get used to it, as being able to respond to this direct form of questioning will be critical if I ever want to succeed at future interviews related to career enhancement, or anything else life enhancing. When I write, I find the kind of voice that I don’t ordinarily have in my run of the mill working day. My written work seems to be a more exacting reflection of my genuine thoughts. Very rarely, during an average day, do I ever encounter the type of person who cares to engage with me with enough of the right combination of the kind of education, respect, honesty, courtesy, dignity, and sort of humour that I’d like to see in another. To have someone like this, I have to actively take the role of a writer, and create this right kind of character who’ll ask me the kinds of questions I want (or need) to hear, and to whom I can respond to comfortably*. Sure, perhaps this all seems strange in this type of public forum; but not any more or less stranger than being one of many in a public congregation crammed together in some church, mosque, or any other temple  structure, collectively begging for guidance and special favours from a great big invisible sky-dwelling being, who, as believed by these people, is actually listening to them, and allegedly controlling their lives. Here, as a questioner, who I know is in control of my life, I’m at least guaranteed some kind of answers I may understand. Here, as the answerer, I get to engage with, challenge, and even defy the questioner, whom I think I should to know better than anyone else. And if it ever comes to be the case where I indeed don’t outright know the answer to the questions posited, it’s a sign that I better get my shit together and figure stuff out.

4.       Q: Where did this idea come from?

A: There is no one source. It sort of evolved from a mish-mash of things: websites offering remedies to writer’s block, observing formatting styles in magazines, other blogs, Gestalt psychology. I doubt if it’s an original method, and I would guess that this technique has already been packaged, copyrighted and marketed in some other guise (that’s one more book idea that’s dead). What sort of got the ball rolling was noting the primary message of a book I read recently called The Gospel of the Second Coming, by Timothy Freke and Peter Gandy. It was their attempt to create a dialogue from the allegorical character of Jesus Christ, who, by his “second coming”, opened a window to Gnostic philosophy, a system of thinking where one is the dreamer as well as the dream**. They challenged Jesus with questions from a couple other allegorical characters, Simon Peter and Mary Magdelene. I don’t do or practice religion per se. I look at such things now anthropologically. I honestly just read the book because it was really quite hilarious as well as thought provoking. If the jest of this deal was to be both the dreamer and the dream, why not set things up where I’m both the interviewer and interviewee.

5.       Q:  Last question . . . so upon reviewing this, what do you think of the result?

A: Really well. Good flow and continuity, very few stalls and breaks in thought. I see areas where I’ve strengthened my writing style, and yet I see still more areas where I need to improve; over all I can’t complain. Knowing yourself and your flaws is a start. It truly is a reflection of a guy who is introverted, relies more on intellect than faith as his guiding compass for this world, and torn between doing things pragmatically and creatively. There’s just the right amount of stuff exposed to incite enough controversy to spark arguments I want and need to hear.  Maybe enough content here to fashion leading questions for another round of this sometime.

*When the questions start getting uncomfortable that’s probably even a better indication that there is cognitive dissonance; something amiss that I need to work on.

**Too complicated to explain here; remember, I came here to keep my questions and answers direct and simple

Design Mode

It snowed last night. It came down gently, without any wind accompanying it. The first snow after Fall is about the only time I like seeing its arrival, and even that moment lasts only fleetingly. I like stepping outside in the early morning, especially when it occurs on a Sunday morning (like this one), before anyone has trod any footprints on the sidewalks, or made tracks on the roads, and I just relax and mentally absorb how beautifully quiet and peaceful the world has become. The physical effect of fresh new flakes has a way of stifling and smothering out all useless, unwarranted sounds; that is until they become more packed down and compressed*. If this moment of the changing of the seasons is a glimpse into how the moment of what death actually is for us then there would be no reason to fear it. How appropriate it is that Remembrance Day is around this time of the year.

The first snow seems to automatically trigger something innate in me, just to remind me how much of a creature of the seasons I am. In the time between which the last of more tenacious leaves finally surrender themselves to wind and gravity, and the time that the ground gets covered with whiteness, I have somehow, unconsciously, converted my office space into a studio. I look around now, and I'm left to wonder how this weird collection of stuff amassed itself and escaped my attention. An auxilliary table is set up; on it is strewn rulers, How-To books, carving knives, calipers, protractors, other drafting instruments, more cutting tools, pattern templates, tracings, schematic printouts. An easel crept its way out of a cabinet; a canvas has somehow wandered down off a shelf, it's blank white face staring back at me, as if begging to look like anything else that's different from the blank whiteness of the scene outside happening now. Paint tubes want to be squeezed, brushes wish to be used for strokes. I swear, I can hear my collapsable workbench stirring, and murmuring "Ahem!" from within the recesses of my storage closet, aching, and wanting to stretch itself out after a long lapse of disuse, hoping to see some action again from its other long-neglected cohorts in another closet, who are known as the "power tools". Google Sketchup has squirmed its way into a comfortable spot on my hard drive, sticking its icon out on my computer's desktop screen, I'm sure in such a way where it looks almost neon, pulsing with a seductive, iridescent "the-party-starts-here" kind of invitation for 3-dimensional creative fantasies. All that, including this very act of writing about all this stuff, seems to be unfurling from an unconscious compulsion to do something creative during this coming winter solitude.

I would guess it's a self-preservation instinct kicking in and, as crazy as all of this sounds, I welcome it a hell of a lot more compared to the craziness acquired from mid-winter depression, isolation, and cabin-fever**. In order not to let the long hours of darkness, and the blankness and featurelessness of winter sicken me mentally and spiritually, I'm taking it upon myself to add colour, form and feature into the season by means of code, screens, paper, wood, and canvas. I have yet to determine what I'm going to produce; I guess I'll just let myself be carried away and enthralled by the mystery and surprise of this whole deal. If any of the work I finish doing is worth keeping, it will be posted in the future.

*- And exactly one second after experiencing this lovely moment; that is if you have no snowmobile, skis, 4x4, or ice-fishing shelter, winter in Saskatchewan/Canada then officially starts to suck! The prospect of the coming Christmas holidays doesn't even invigourate me.
**- Doing some exercise helped to alleviate this crap, but not to a great enough degree for the likes of me.

CBO Workers Unite!

We're about a week away from having our provincial election. The events during the three weeks prior to me writing this days have put me in a spot where I feel like I can no longer contain my frustration. I can't divulge the specifics because of confidentiality issues, but it has a lot to do with our current provincial government's failure to recognize and acknowledge the needs of employees working within unionized CBOs.

"What is a CBO?", you ask.*

A CBO is a Community Based Organization, a very general description indeed, but a far more better one than its former appellatives non-profit agency, or not-for-profit organization. Don't be misled, we are not strickly charitable organizations; and CBOs do generate a profit; they create a "social" profit. CBOs are auxiliaries linked to health care, and social/community justice services. We create social profit by creating more social freedoms (or at least by reducing people's suffering) through our service. If you think I'm being delusional in expressing that previous comment, think of these questions:

• How much of your life energy and personal resources would be used/spent if you had no place in your community for your dementia stricken parent/partner/loved-one to live? Would you honestly feel like a freer person if you were responsible for providing all their care alone? CBOs act to assist in sheltering and caring for the elderly with geriantric dementia and Alzeimers with non-medical aide. As the population of aged persons increases within the demographic of our province, it would be ridiculous to think that such services could be adequately implimented strictly by acts of charity alone, and would be super expensive if just left for more formal health services to do it all. The answer is having CBOs as intermediaries. 
• How much more crime (poverty/drug related) would you see on the streets if there were no places for the homeless** to receive the necessities of food and shelter (other than a jail cell). Would you feel more secure? Could those who are this disadvantaged ever find a way to bust out of this cycle and find social freedom if they were just further marginalized and stuck in jail, rather than having resource option of an occasional use of a food bank***, or a treatment centre? Building more and bigger (and expensive, and ineffective) prisons with tax money seems to be the conservative approach, clumping non-violent people who've erred by some minor theft/substance abuse issue in with a population of real rapist and killers. If they weren't hardened people when they went in, it's very likely that they will be when they get out. CBOs working with social and corrections services is the hopeful, more humaine, route. It would be shameful for us to descend into a social cancer of a segregated ghetto society like what is seen in so many American urban centres, but the reason why that scene has prevailed so long there is because of the comparative lack of CBO influence. The greater stigma of crime being linked to poverty halts a lot of people, especially conservative minded ones, from opening wallets and giving charitably to agencies involved in this type of community action, hence they can't operate on charity alone. Workers here need union representation more so than any other CBO for the fact that they work in such a high-risk environment.
• Let's suppose you were a victim of domestic abuse/violence. Aside from the disgustingly useless debate as to who or what is to blame for such situations, would you be any freer or secure without the option of an operational community crisis centre, or a crisis nursery to protect your children? CBOs are the agencies involved with volunteer recruitment, fund-raising, and administration of service for these community shelters and crisis services. 
• Are you operating under the delusion that you, or a loved one, couldn't possibily suffer a debilitating accident that would require not just medical; but long term non-medical care service? Your insurer may cut you a check; but how much remaining freedom and quality of life would you have if there was no one around to assist you in doing something as basic as getting out of bed? CBOs are the long term shelters and care services for these people, who would otherwise have to get that care from more formal institutions like a hospital if they didn'texist for them. Again, they would be impossible to function by charity alone.

There are countless other examples of how CBOs serve and bring quality of life to the residents of this province. I used these few as an example because these are the CBO enivronments I've worked in and contributed to.
I'm tired of blame orientated debates instead of solution orientated forums amongst our elected officials. I'm sickened about just how invisible our and other CBO agencies are to our communities.
It's irritating to see the lag in progress happening because of the in the eyes of certain ministries, we fall behind unseen, yet rigid jurisdictional technicalities that one side or another doesn't want to approach or be responsible for. All this creates some sort of imposed inefficiency for the management of some agencies because they become thus responsible for having to use a sizable chunk of time to campaign for their our fund-raising instead of using the time to deliver the services that they are supposed to provide. The Wall government of Saskatchewan is rightly named, as it seems to have done nothing but built up walls between itself and the unions and others who are democratically trying to serve those in need here.

To Saskatchewan residents, along with the other decisions you are considering before you cast your ballot on November 7th, I'm asking you not to forget about those who work for, support, or are served by CBOs. I'm asking you not to take us for granted. I'm asking you to be apart from the collective ignorance and indifference, as has been shown by the current provincial administration, whose policies have not only been keeping the funds of our province's "prosperity" away from these organizations, but have been active in stifling the voice of union respresentation****, and therefore the workers, trying to make a difference for the lives of people here. Vote with a conscience! Vote for justice! Vote for Health Care! Vote Against Social Decay! Vote for Sharing Our Wealth with Services!

* - Don't feel too bad for not knowing, because I work and for people who don't even know themselves that they are using, or are employed by a CBO.
**- Think carefully before you answer with the stereotype of what you think a "homeless" person is. There is an increasing number of working poor and working homeless in this province because of the shortage of affordable housing that's occurring here. Ironically, some of these short-changed people are CBO workers themselves. What a hell of a reward that is for providing home care services for others.
***- Another disturbing note about the increasing divide between the rich and poor since Saskatchewan has been labelled a "have" province: soup kitchens are appearing now in communities in this province which never had one before, even during The Great Depression.
****- I specifically refer to the passing of Bills 5 and 6 in the Saskatchewan Legislature.

Bless You Steve Jobs... Funeral Protesters...Go To Hell!

It's not a normal habit of mine to actively read over the obituaries of celebrities; in the recent case of Steve Jobs though, I somehow couldn't help but to feel obliged to do so. It's partially due to the fact that I sincerely admire his ingenuity, but a lot of it has to do with the fact that we both shared this experience in developing pancreatic problems. I got lucky and overcame mine. It wasn't so for him, and it progressed to something worse that ended his life. I found myself curious if how he dealt with the news was anything similar to the way I did. I hoped to find out when and where his the funeral services would be, and to perhaps even find an online book of condolences to share my sentiments for this great innovator.

My search through the postings of the death of Steve Jobs was a sobering reminder as to why I have divorced and abandoned myself completely away from the stupidity of religious dogmatism and fundamentalism, and the people who fanatically chose to follow such things. When it comes to spirtuality or religion, there is nothing more disgusting to me than people using their sanctimony, or citing "God's will", to preach hatred, abuse, and violence, no matter which faith it is. Through the news gleaned in my searches, I discovered a reprehensible plan by the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas to intrude, and picket, and protest at the funeral of this wonderful human being who has brought so much benefit to modern society. Their reason, according to a Twitter message from one of it's members, which ironically was sent from an iPhone (which Steve Jobs of course invented), is stated as,"Westboro will picket his funeral. He [Jobs] had a huge platform; gave God no glory & taught sin." Read more: http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/312445#ixzz1a6wadcw3*

If I was ever approached by the fool who ever said that to me, and if I was given no choice to avoid engaging with them about the subject, I'd have to point out to them that Steve Jobs wasn't even a Christian, but a Zen Buddhist; and if he indeed lived up to using a Zen perspective, a.) he would have regarded his "platform" not so much as huge, but non-permanent and ever-changing/evolving, and he wisely did not squander it to the will of absolutist thinkers (or thinking), b.) with a Zen mind, it wouldn't have been a concern to him as to whether or not there was even a God to give any glory to, and c.) there is no such doctrine or dogma in Zen Buddhism that recognizes such a concept as "sin" to begin with** therefore he didn't make it some mandate of his to intentionally "teach" sin to others. How Jobs supposedly "taught sin", according to the WBC, was that he somehow made Apple Inc. a very "pro-homosexual" company.

Of course the members of the WBC are too busy bending interpretations of scriptures to make them suit their political agenda, and would seem far too ignorant to bring themselves around to Zen Buddhist thinking like Steve Jobs did: that is, being mindful and noting interdependence of all things in existance, and the interplays of cause and effect. They proved that their organization has no problem or qualms about using computer technology to do their self-righteous gay-bashing; yet they fail to see the irony that without one gay person at a critical time in our history, there might not have been any computers (as we know them), nor even any freedom of speech for this group to enjoy or exploit for expressing their delusional beliefs for that matter. It would help if I used the context of something in real history about another "computer innovator" to shed light on that last point.

During World War II, the British were feverishly trying to develop a machine to decode the cyphers being intercepted from the German U-boat fleets in order to get a leg up on the Battle of the Atlantic. A man with a brilliant mathematical and technical mind, named Alan Turing, was the genius who contributed to this decryption project in Blechley Park in London that ultimately broke the Nazis codes. This in turn helped the British turn the tables to have more allied shipping and supplies safely arrive; saving Britain from starvation and scarcity of other defense resources. This the helped lead to the allies victory in Europe, which ultimately overthrew the stranglehold of fascism and preserved democracy and free speech, at least in Western Europe. Alan Turing's ingenuity also laid out the ground work for the technology for the first digital computers, which were ultimately used to accelerate developments for the Manhatten Project, which finally led to the victory over Japan, thus securing America's victory and democracy. Turing also happened to be a homosexual.

I can't help but to wonder how differently the world could be now, and the alternate consequences that would have unfolded, if a scenario occurred where some ignorant, bigoted, sanctimonious bastard found out about Alan`s lifestyle, and just for sport, used his religiously-inspired prejudice to find Turing and incidentally beat him to death in a gay-bashing frenzy before Turing was ever able to finish the vital work for he was doing for the defense of Britain during that war. Britain may have then lost out to the evils of Nazism had that happened. I would hate and fear being under the boot heel of a totalitarian regime (ie. no right to intellectual freedom, no freedom of expression, no right to assemble, and no right to vote or live democratically, and no right to question authority) far more so than I would ever fear and hate someone who was a homosexual. Living life under the ideology of religious fundamentalists would be very close to, if not exactly like, living under a totalitarian regime.

I've seen the ugly face of this radical WBC group before. They are into the condemnation of any person or celebrity figure whom they regard as being so "sinful" as to respect the rights of gays and lesbians.  This band of brain-washed idiots also protested at the more recent military funerals of the American soldiers who served overseas, citing that it was God's punishment to America for being more tolerant of homosexuality in society.They're more of a cult than a church, being made up of mostly family members under the direction of it's deranged leader*** Fred Phelps. I once saw a YouTube video of Phelps expounding his gratitude that "George Carlin is now in HELL!" soon after Carlin's death in 2008. George Carlin, despite his culture-clashing, satirical style of humour (like the Seven Words You Can't Say on Television routine), did so much to actually pave the way for freedom of speech rights in American media, and examine the semantics of our public (or decent) use of language. So, then Phelps and his troop of ultra-conservative religious loonies exploited those very same rights that Carlin exemplified and even legally fought for, only to then publically broadcast the 'damnation' of George Carlin. George Carlin did all that dirty work for them, only to have them abuse this freedom of speech that they have to announce that he'll be sent to hell for what he did. How ironic can you get!

If indeed the WBC successfully executes its indecent intention to disrupt the service and rites of the funeral of Steve Jobs (or any other people they term as "sinners"), I'll be very saddened and fearful. Protesting at a funeral, in my mind, defies all that is decent. Willfully disrupting an event of commemoration for a person's good works on Earth of finding new innovations that unite humanity with new technology, and then using that same technology to try to rally people together to indignify and defame him is beyond insulting, and exposes a whole new level of deplorable ignorance in religious fanatics. They will only prove to the rest of the world yet another monstrous side of themselves; how arrogant, bigoted, intolerant, hypocritical, and obnoxious religious fundamentalists are, and how willing such people are to trespass and encroach on the events of harmonious commemoration and celebration others are trying to create.


* - I only include the link for an accurate reference, I by no means wish to give this abomination of a christian "church" more attention than it deserves.
**- In Buddhism, there are no sins, but there are differing degrees of skillfulness (or unskillfulness) in conduct (which is relativistic) which then always results into, or is resulting from, karma, which will ultimately determine if or how you will suffer. It's not about terms of satisfying some absolute moral imperative which puts you at the mercy of the favour (or disfavour) of some kind of anthropomorphic divine being, like in Western monotheistic religions.
*** - I use the term "cult leader" instead of "pastor", as he calls himself, because I chose not to insult any Christians of better discretion by endowing him with the latter mentioned title.

In Remembrance of Grandma

It was last week, the day after my birthday, when I last visited my 90 year old Grandmother, my Mom's Mom. My Mom first called me, explaining how her state of health has been going downhill, and that it all began with some spell which resulted with her kidney function starting to shut down. After her trip to the hospital, she was moved to a facility for temporary respite care. Her physical health declined so much since the last few months ago since we last visited that I even failed to recognize her at first. I talked with her a while. She was still together mentally, even remembering to wish me a happy birthday, and sharing with me the goings on of her past few days with all her visitors with good detail. However, her energy was such that she couldn't keep a conversation up for very long; not without draining her further, or impairing her ability to be understood. I couldn't delude myself in thinking that such a condition of someone who was 90 years young was going to improve, and what was important for me that afternoon was to give her that one last hug and kiss, and to tell her that I loved her. It was hard to witness her suffering this way; but to spend this bit of time with her was perhaps my most valuable birthday gift.

I received the official word that my Grandmother died yesterday evening. When death came to her, I'm thankful to say that it was a relatively quick coupe de grace, and she didn't suffer long, and I'm thankful that she departed this realm without any dementia, or any other severe mental degradation; still lucid enough to be able to recognize her family and loved ones. When I heard the news, I didn't find myself crying, or struck with, or bound up in any other heavy or deep expression of grief. I wasn't reacting with a mindset of a mourner; I chose instead the perspective of gratitude of what and who she was. I thought in a way as one who could perhaps be responsible for delivering the eulogy for at her upcoming funeral, even though I'm hardly one to be worthy of giving a commentary of such depth and scope of existence for someone who has lived out her time on this earth for nine tenths of a century. We all die, and to be given the chance to live a long life independently, to witness the coming of your great-great grandchildren, and to do it all with a clear and lucid mind is, what I would suppose, the best blessing one can get. It's not really a time to mourn; but a time to honestly celebrate the life of someone who has received such a blessing. I'm so glad that gift was bestowed upon my Grandmother, and I'll always see her as someone who deserved it. .

Thank you so much for everything Grandma, for the fellowship and friendship you gave to others, for the laughter and humour you had, and for collectively making us a better family. See you again on the weekend, along with the rest of us.

With love always, your eldest grandson

Brian

On This Birthday...

I made it through another year of life. I'm grateful. I hardly think it's worth posting and pinning down just how old I am now, because I just completed a 'real age' test at http://www.realage.com, and I actually got physically younger since the last time I took it; still registering as a few years less than my actual chronological age. That's something else for which I'm thankful. Here are a few more points listed for which I'm grateful for today with the coming of this gift of a new year of life:

• I had this day off from work, and I didn't have to slog through a ridiculous night shift. Hence, I was able to enjoy this day with some semblence of lucidity. I'll forego any other comment I have about work, or what I'd like to see happen, except that I've reached the point where I'm going to have to put more focus on finding and achieving what is rewarding for me to do.
• I received my driver's license renewal notice in the mail today, which also reminded me that my photo had to be renewed. I never pay attention to how my driver's license photo looks, so I checked it out today. I'm happy to say that it appears that I changed for the better since the last shot of me. Again, thankful.
• The sky was cloudless, and the temperature reached up in the high 20's through the day. The leaves have started to turn their fall colours by the river. It was the perfect scene for the run I've committed myself to do today. I passed 25 kms (thinking now that perhaps I overdid it). Noting this, I've set the goal to reach 2000 kms of recorded running distance before the end of September. It would be nice just to step out each day to watch the season flow as the autumn landscape reveals itself and passes away. I hope there'll be a nice long string of days coming ahead just like this one was.
• Taking the time to binge on a few carb loaded goodies. I had no cake, but savoured some scallops and fettucini, and a few fistfuls of sweets...heavenly.
• I missed out on sharing company with those I wanted to spend time with, people like Jessica Biel, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johannsen, Olivia Munn...oh well...their loss I guess. Thankful for having this kind of imagination.
• Happy to see some greetings from the rest of you who chose to sent them. Thanks a lot.