Reformatting, Re-Thinking Singlehood

The weather continues to be inclement, out of phase with my time off, and less than ideal for doing any skiing. It's been close to -40 outside with the wind chill factor this morning, and it's not going to change into anything much better throughout the day. I do welcome the chance to sit down and relax for a change. I've exhausted myself during my "days off", using all my valuable daylight hours for running around doing shopping for necessities, home upkeep projects, and cleaning. One of the very long tasks between household chores was updating my laptop's operating system. This is the first chance I've had to explore and play around on it.






My office whiteboard. Some days, it's like a big, ugly,
overbearing, 2-dimensional 'wife': always looming and nagging
 non-stop at me with reminders and "honey do" lists

This is my first entry made with using Windows 8. So far, I'm both impressed and overwhelmed with the functionality and the new dimensions of accessibility with the apps available. It's somewhat more user friendly for a laptop track pad than Windows 7 was. The only thing that annoys me about it is the slow start up time, and getting the "corner" features to pop up properly. I only installed it on my laptop. I'm doubting if it would be worth the time and effort to stick it on my aging desktop unit: I'll be replacing or eliminating that thing entirely before wasting time doing any more hard/software upgrades on it.

The other leisurely thing I did today was peruse this weekend's edition of the Sunday Phoenix. The article that captured my attention was a cover story about singlehood. I used to be down about being single earlier in my life, but now after some time and seeing a few more of the dynamics of other people, and big mistakes I would have avoided, I'm all the more happier about being so, or at least making a better peace about it. It's now comforting to know that I'm not truly such an oddball after all: preferring not to be burdened with marriage. I'm just one who is hip with the growing trend of the times. I was dumbstruck to read that 40% of the population of Montreal lives as singles, and the city of Stockholm has 60% of its people living alone. The social trend of single living is so common and prevalent there that their government is accommodating for it by building places equipped with single suites with communal kitchens and laundries. It kind of makes me even more curious and wanting to visit Sweden. Maybe I'd feel a little more normal and accepted there. Even though the thought of sharing my kitchen with someone else is irksome to me, depriving me of more of a sense of "home space"; perhaps infringing on my sense of order and privacy*, I'd still like to observe how the model of this type of living situation actually functions. If it indeed works, it would be something that should be opted here for sharing with the workplace as it is now, in terms of something both accessible and practical.

My laptop. The sweet little mistress, who's trying on a sexy
little update, who's tempting me to do all sorts of fun and naughty
things with her. Definitely more fun than the whiteboard.

It's shameful to say that I still find too many stupid people around here who treat me like a friggin' anomaly or outcast, because I'm not, nor have ever been, "fortunate" enough to be permanently partnered with someone. I'll even dare to go so far to say, to some degree, that there is even prejudice and bigotry working against me. The worst judgements, criticisms, and reactions, I find, are made by people who (typically):

• have been married longer than they have been single
• who don't know anything else but to be coupled, or a parent of children
• were too coddled, smothered and spoiled themselves as children, and constantly dependant on a parent or other authority figure
• don't know how to enjoy their own solitude, and instead have a strong need to wiggle into the lives of other people, and usually/eventually end up being an obnoxious pain in the ass to others around them
• are too delusional to know when their own marriage/relationship isn't working for them, and still keep whipping that dead horse rather than trying to find a sensible way to settle things with better options of counselling, separation, or divorce
• are ultra-religious or ethno-centric idiots who think it's some duty and obligation to marry, rather than daring to even think of it as being a choice. The last person who cast such a judgement on me was an immigrant from another culture where arranged marriages** are the rule rather than the exception. Once they learned my status, being at my age, they looked at me aghast, like I was some freak of nature that shouldn't even be alive.
• are otherwise, I would guess by their attitude and behaviour, just too goddamned stupid to know how to live on their own independently.

Totally unrelated bit of stuff here. . . It's the Cool Infographic of the Day: Nation Population/Migration Chart. It's only here because I'm a nerd for international demographics. Given what I just mentioned, I might someday be registered as one of those skinny little lines flowing from Canada to Sweden.

*- To have such insecurity and angst about losing these things has probably been already rendered pointless. Swedish companies, like IKEA, have no doubt foresaw this trend coming already through their research, and probably have been at the forefront of pre-designing everything accordingly for it for the rest of the century in terms of architecture, environment, furnishings, and decorum.
**-.Domestic violence statistics show cultures with arranged marriages as having some of the highest rates of spousal abuse. There is no arguing with me (one who has worked in a sexual assault and crisis centre) about this.

Convention Crashing

I finally feel like I’m starting to ditch this cold, or whatever bug this is. I realized since the New Year began that I haven’t been really anywhere else except work and home, and doing a bit of shopping only for the essential and practical because I have been either sick, or stressed with fixing stuff. I only had one rendez-vous for a quick belated birthday lunch, but that’s about it: almost no extracurricular social-life whatsoever since the year started.  I thought I better do something about that.

After some strange discussions and revelations that were aired yesterday in a couple of conversations, I’ve come to realize that one of the nice advantages about living in my area of town is that I’m close to all the action when the more interesting conventions, trade fairs, expos, and other odd flea markets or concerts are scheduled at the Prairieland Buildings. I live close enough that I don’t have to drive to see any that interest me, so it’s a hop, skip, and a jump there. Also, when sometimes such events are licensed, it’s a convenient and reasonably safe stagger, trip, and a fall back home if I ever do risk being over the legal limit.

I’m not an overly-social person (obviously), but I think conventions/trade shows/expos are great, because one can walk in there as a total stranger, and generally find some common attraction of interest for sensible discussion for like minded people to chat about. It’s a far more organic affair and natural way of socializing and networking for me than sitting around a stupid bar/ lounge under some pretence of “relaxing” amid music blaring too loud for to have a comprehensible conversation, watching other people make a drama, argue, and bitch about work or life in general, as they (not so) gradually lose more inhibition to alcohol. At a bar, it seems that you’re relegated to be constantly alert and active in dealing with someone who is trying to bullshit you, or with someone just plainly being an asshole; plus you’re more likely to be seen as and treated that way yourself in a bar. I can’t be bothered. It’s hard for me to meet and interface with people in any bar. There are no cool bars around for me anymore. I mostly enter and leave them as an anonymous stranger. If it's a casino, I usually just end up leaving as a much broker anonymous stranger.

I find that’s less likely to happen at a trade show or expo, even when there has been copious alcohol consumption, at least at the past events I have attended*. Whether it’s listening to a lecture or seminar, formally discussing business and making queries with promoters/sales reps, or informally chatting with other interested attendees, I generally find people at such conferences respectful, open, likeable, and most importantly, and genuine and honest about what like want and like in business/work or leisure life. There are, of course, conventions you would never find me attending. The antitheses of the kind of people I like finding at conventions are: the sanctimonious personalities who fall easily into self-delusion; hence you won’t catch me anywhere near a political convention, or religious jamboree of any sort. Religious fanatics and political activists are some of the worst of the toxic bullshitters around; usually none of their topics are of passionate interest to me. I also wouldn’t be convening with the typical people in the crowd you’d find at a Megadeath/Mötorhead concert**. These kinds of concerts, (plus the Ex in general) attract a lot of the social riff-raff. When these types of people amass, it’s doubtful that anything good comes out of it. That’s one downside of living so close to Prairieland Centre.

I regret missing the last Health and Wellness show that came here last week because, ironically, I was just too sick. Of the future events I’d like to see/attend there are: the next Top of the Hops, The Sports and Leisure Show, and any running/marathon training workshops that may be there (or elsewhere in town). I plan to crash a few others too for the sake of novelty. Doing so would satisfy many of the objectives on my Things I Need to Know How to Do Better list I made in the New Year.

*- Top of the Hops is an awesome Expo for those who love sampling different beers, wines, and spirits. Check it out in May! It’s so much fun, and so entirely civilized considering how much liquor is there.

**- This was just a convenient contemporary example to use. They played here yesterday (Feb 16^th). That means there were probably one or two totally empty trailer parks last night around Saskatoon. My neighbourhood was probably swarming with (wannabe) bikers, dope heads and dealers. I did hear lots of sirens last night. It could have been worse; I should be thankful that this didn’t occur while it was summer on the outdoor stage. It’s not so much the band(s)/genre that I despise, since I have and play some metal tunes myself. However, I think that a person would have to have a really polluted psyche if metal was/is/will be the only genre of music they ever like or listen to. It’s also disturbing and pathetic to see guys in their 40s and 50s being metal band groupies. Grow up for crissakes guys . . . and get a bloody haircut!

Things I Need To Know How To Do Better

Twelve things to improve on for the New Year. Generally making it such that there is one focused challenge per month:

1. Attracting More Wealth and Managing It
2. Being More Social and Finding New Friends with My Interests
3. Making Time To Be a Disciplined Lifelong Learner
4. Discovering My Passions
5. Getting the Most Out of My Relaxation Time (Learning to Sit Still, and Accept Serenity)
6. Improving My Health with Fitness and Preventative Actions
7. Attracting My Ideal Significant Other
8. Confronting Conflicts and Handling Problems Mindfully, Confidently, Tactfully, Practically, and Effectively
9. Communicating with Kindness, Assertiveness, and with Good Intent
10. Getting Out More
11. Adding More Fun In My Life, Taking a Real Interest in the Lives of the People I Am Genuinely Fond of
12. Being More Spontaneous . . . TAKING MORE RISKS!

The 2011 Year's End

It’s time to put another year behind me. I thought about using these last couple days of it to process paperwork and tidy up spaces, but then I thought to hell with it. I’m pretty useless for doing too much of anything physical right now anyway, as I’m stricken with a screwed-up back for this last bit of the year. Instead of sitting around and having my senses accosted with a stupid series of mono-show marathons playing on TV at this time of the year on all channels, I chose to do something a little more cerebral and reflective instead.

My overall state of sentiment for the year of 2011 is a blend of gratitude and sorrow respectively about both successes and failures that are either new or continuing. The simplest way I can think of to describe this year overall is to view things within a matrix of good versus bad, and gain versus loss. Here then is the outlined breakdown of the year using those criteria:

Good Gains

·         Health-wise, I have more muscle tone, stamina, stronger heart and lungs, and regained at least six years worth of physical health

·         Achieving greater than half-marathon endurance during the fall

·         Beautiful weather throughout the summer, fall, and early winter for me to be outside more

·         Being able to run outside shirtless in summer without giving anyone some compulsion to call the cops. The bonus was a nice tan.

·         Better able to express myself in writing

·         Wii system: it’s allowing me to actually express my anger in a more harmless and cathartic manner

·         World-wide protests: against capitalism gone out of control on Wall Street, and by the pro-democracy public, especially in North Africa/the  Middle East (Egypt, Yemen, Libya, Syria), to rise up against their own iron-fisted despots

·         Finding the will to enter the dating scene again

Good Losses

·         Excess weight and inches of waistline

·         The deaths of Osama bin Laden, Mohamar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il. Hopefully this world can become a little better place now that we’re rid of a few less fanatical, antagonistic, tyrannical shit-disturbers

Bad Losses

·         Deaths of Steve Jobs, Jack Layton, essayist Christopher Hitchens, and my Grandmother

·         Most of the NDP and Green Party candidates from the last provincial election; thus a less balanced voice in the provincial legislature

·         Earthquake in Japan, The Slave Lake fires, floods in the Philippines, any other natural disasters that occurred on a massive scale that I failed to list

·         My chance to go on a trip to Costa Rica (or anywhere else for that matter)

·         Failure to negotiate a more substantial wage increase for my co-workers and peers

·         Investments are performing in a most shitty manner

Bad Gains

·         Debt

·         Grey hair now migrating to eyebrows

·         Extra pounds since mid-November

·         Back pain for this last week of the year

·         More mass mob stupidity on the globe, I especially refer to this year’s riots in Vancouver and London

Continual Bad

·          Realizing this year, more than ever, just how badly my work schedule deprives me of quality social, personal, and self-development time

·         Overall more loneliness (few people around or available when I have free time to share, or during the few times that I need help with something)

·         I’m still treated as just a “friend”, or “like a brother” to most women I date (it’s not a friggin’ compliment!). The testosterone I have left in me makes me want to puke every time I hear or see some reaction akin to that.

Continual Good

·         My ever-strengthening bond with my one best friend

·         Continuing my commitment to life-long learning

·         Urge to remain health conscious

·         Feeling more centred spiritually

After all this reflecting, I’ve given thought about the things I’ll need to take better steps ahead for the next year coming that’s only a few hours away. I’m happy to say that I have most of them around me now; it’s just a matter of getting organized, and enhancing and using things differently. Rather than processing stuff in the same old manner, with the same old bad habits, it would probably be a better thing to deploy a scorched earth policy on some areas of my life, and start on fresh new ground.

Five Questions, Five Answers: Winter Solstice

1.       Q: Why is the winter solstice significant to you?

 A: The date with longest night of the year, at this latitude where the time between sunset and sunrise is close to 17 hours long, occurring just nine or ten days before year’s end seems it should warrant something very meaningful. In the depth of this profound darkness, it’s like I become instinctually attuned into trying to crawl out of it and think of the future more, and I look at this last week and a half as that prime time of planning for what I want to see coming ahead for myself in the New Year. This month, it seems that the extra darkness at this time of year has been really making me screwy. I have a lot of mixed split shifts falling on early morning/late evening throughout this week; add to that the fact that there has been hardly any snow around to reflect more light outside, and solstice falls right at the time when the lunar cycle waning into new moon phase, it seems like the past few nights have been freakishly darker and longer than I’ve ever experienced. Perhaps that will just make me feel more pressured and desperate to change things once 2012 rolls in. It’s getting to be evermore exhausting in battling the depressive torpor that comes along during this season that I think I could just easily collapse into. I’m all the more thankful that I have Christmas off this year.

2.       Q: Are you affecting any positive changes now?

 A:  I’m dating again. I’m not going to say too much, because I feel like I’ll jinx myself if I do. Let me just say that it’s definitely not happening like the last few times in the past. It actually feels like something a hell of a lot different than a miserable job interview or a trip to the dentist*. I’ve been actually having a good time, and I feel like I’m actually connecting with a wonderful like-minded person (first time in a long time). I’m just taking it all day by day, moment by moment, avoiding analyzing things too much; thus thereby doing us both a favour by avoiding putting any ridiculous and unrealistic expectations and speculations on the table. 

3.       Q: Were you getting really bitter and angry about rejection?

 A: More accurately, what I’ve gotten frustrated and angry about is not so much “rejection”; but about “failure of fair and sensible acceptance”. It probably stems from my days working through the Justice department at the sexual assault centre. That experience undoubtedly had a huge impact in regards to my manner of approaching women. There was a need back then for me to consciously suppress appearances of looking too threatening or “virile” while working in that environment. In my private life, I really wanted to avoid the smelly shit pile of drama and suffering that could be created if any overt romantic interest I had in someone became poorly communicated, or misunderstood**. I hence didn’t do anything publically or privately that could have been misconstrued as unwanted provocation, or flirting no matter how innocent, neutral, practical, or natural the circumstances were. One would think that helping victims out would be something noble or heroic to do, but once I mentioned my occupation in casual conversation to others, people often avoided me like the plague, finding some excuse to leave the room and my presence . . . especially women. Because the work demanded a high degree of confidentiality, I couldn’t talk about it for fear of inadvertently disclosing details, and I had nothing else to talk about outside the topic of work. I was trying to do this very challenging thing for others, working on their behalf for some ideal of justice and righteousness, and yet I was the one being treated like an outcast. I felt very lonely and alienated, and even did some stupid things to compensate for it***. Meanwhile, the asshole psycho predators that we were trying to get off the street, more often than not, had wives and girlfriends, who were still stupidly faithful and loyal to these men, even while these guys were abusing them along with others. When these bastards were caught, they were penned up with murderers and violent offenders, some of whom were getting love letters and marriage proposals in jail. Life seemed so unfair for me that way: these monsters were getting others to tolerate, accept, and even love them; at the same time, I was struggling just to have people acknowledge me. I think noting these ironies made me very disillusioned about even bothering to give much thought or effort into pursuing some kind of relationship. I’ve witnessed and could cite more examples of this kind of dynamic involving people I know in recent history, but mentioning them here and now would be pointless, upsetting to them, and exhausting; it would only spur on more revulsion than I already have about this detestable facet of the human condition. I suppose that’s my way of feeling bitter and jaded about the topic.             

4.       Q: Any other big ideas in the coming New Year?

 A: I’m going to be taking more interest in re-inventing a new career path for myself, and continue my journey of life-long learning. Too complicated to explain for now; how I wish it were easier. I think I have consciously and purposely given myself harder challenges ahead in the spot I’m in, to help give me more incentive to escape the rut I think I’m in now.

5.       Q:  Last question . . . any maxims from this year that you could take into next year?

 A: Never underestimate the power of kaizen.

*- A trip to the dentist, or a bad job interview might actually have been better in a couple of cases.

**- After spending countless hours of researching, processing, and reviewing all sorts of scenarios of the legal ramifications and trouble one can face with even the slightest of actions being misinterpreted: bouncing around on a pogo stick through a minefield looked a hell of a lot safer than trying to ask someone out on a date.

***- Stupid things . . . like succumbing to the foolish notion that joining and going to a church was somehow going to help me solve my problems, or make me a better person.