Design Mode

It snowed last night. It came down gently, without any wind accompanying it. The first snow after Fall is about the only time I like seeing its arrival, and even that moment lasts only fleetingly. I like stepping outside in the early morning, especially when it occurs on a Sunday morning (like this one), before anyone has trod any footprints on the sidewalks, or made tracks on the roads, and I just relax and mentally absorb how beautifully quiet and peaceful the world has become. The physical effect of fresh new flakes has a way of stifling and smothering out all useless, unwarranted sounds; that is until they become more packed down and compressed*. If this moment of the changing of the seasons is a glimpse into how the moment of what death actually is for us then there would be no reason to fear it. How appropriate it is that Remembrance Day is around this time of the year.

The first snow seems to automatically trigger something innate in me, just to remind me how much of a creature of the seasons I am. In the time between which the last of more tenacious leaves finally surrender themselves to wind and gravity, and the time that the ground gets covered with whiteness, I have somehow, unconsciously, converted my office space into a studio. I look around now, and I'm left to wonder how this weird collection of stuff amassed itself and escaped my attention. An auxilliary table is set up; on it is strewn rulers, How-To books, carving knives, calipers, protractors, other drafting instruments, more cutting tools, pattern templates, tracings, schematic printouts. An easel crept its way out of a cabinet; a canvas has somehow wandered down off a shelf, it's blank white face staring back at me, as if begging to look like anything else that's different from the blank whiteness of the scene outside happening now. Paint tubes want to be squeezed, brushes wish to be used for strokes. I swear, I can hear my collapsable workbench stirring, and murmuring "Ahem!" from within the recesses of my storage closet, aching, and wanting to stretch itself out after a long lapse of disuse, hoping to see some action again from its other long-neglected cohorts in another closet, who are known as the "power tools". Google Sketchup has squirmed its way into a comfortable spot on my hard drive, sticking its icon out on my computer's desktop screen, I'm sure in such a way where it looks almost neon, pulsing with a seductive, iridescent "the-party-starts-here" kind of invitation for 3-dimensional creative fantasies. All that, including this very act of writing about all this stuff, seems to be unfurling from an unconscious compulsion to do something creative during this coming winter solitude.

I would guess it's a self-preservation instinct kicking in and, as crazy as all of this sounds, I welcome it a hell of a lot more compared to the craziness acquired from mid-winter depression, isolation, and cabin-fever**. In order not to let the long hours of darkness, and the blankness and featurelessness of winter sicken me mentally and spiritually, I'm taking it upon myself to add colour, form and feature into the season by means of code, screens, paper, wood, and canvas. I have yet to determine what I'm going to produce; I guess I'll just let myself be carried away and enthralled by the mystery and surprise of this whole deal. If any of the work I finish doing is worth keeping, it will be posted in the future.

*- And exactly one second after experiencing this lovely moment; that is if you have no snowmobile, skis, 4x4, or ice-fishing shelter, winter in Saskatchewan/Canada then officially starts to suck! The prospect of the coming Christmas holidays doesn't even invigourate me.
**- Doing some exercise helped to alleviate this crap, but not to a great enough degree for the likes of me.

CBO Workers Unite!

We're about a week away from having our provincial election. The events during the three weeks prior to me writing this days have put me in a spot where I feel like I can no longer contain my frustration. I can't divulge the specifics because of confidentiality issues, but it has a lot to do with our current provincial government's failure to recognize and acknowledge the needs of employees working within unionized CBOs.

"What is a CBO?", you ask.*

A CBO is a Community Based Organization, a very general description indeed, but a far more better one than its former appellatives non-profit agency, or not-for-profit organization. Don't be misled, we are not strickly charitable organizations; and CBOs do generate a profit; they create a "social" profit. CBOs are auxiliaries linked to health care, and social/community justice services. We create social profit by creating more social freedoms (or at least by reducing people's suffering) through our service. If you think I'm being delusional in expressing that previous comment, think of these questions:

• How much of your life energy and personal resources would be used/spent if you had no place in your community for your dementia stricken parent/partner/loved-one to live? Would you honestly feel like a freer person if you were responsible for providing all their care alone? CBOs act to assist in sheltering and caring for the elderly with geriantric dementia and Alzeimers with non-medical aide. As the population of aged persons increases within the demographic of our province, it would be ridiculous to think that such services could be adequately implimented strictly by acts of charity alone, and would be super expensive if just left for more formal health services to do it all. The answer is having CBOs as intermediaries. 
• How much more crime (poverty/drug related) would you see on the streets if there were no places for the homeless** to receive the necessities of food and shelter (other than a jail cell). Would you feel more secure? Could those who are this disadvantaged ever find a way to bust out of this cycle and find social freedom if they were just further marginalized and stuck in jail, rather than having resource option of an occasional use of a food bank***, or a treatment centre? Building more and bigger (and expensive, and ineffective) prisons with tax money seems to be the conservative approach, clumping non-violent people who've erred by some minor theft/substance abuse issue in with a population of real rapist and killers. If they weren't hardened people when they went in, it's very likely that they will be when they get out. CBOs working with social and corrections services is the hopeful, more humaine, route. It would be shameful for us to descend into a social cancer of a segregated ghetto society like what is seen in so many American urban centres, but the reason why that scene has prevailed so long there is because of the comparative lack of CBO influence. The greater stigma of crime being linked to poverty halts a lot of people, especially conservative minded ones, from opening wallets and giving charitably to agencies involved in this type of community action, hence they can't operate on charity alone. Workers here need union representation more so than any other CBO for the fact that they work in such a high-risk environment.
• Let's suppose you were a victim of domestic abuse/violence. Aside from the disgustingly useless debate as to who or what is to blame for such situations, would you be any freer or secure without the option of an operational community crisis centre, or a crisis nursery to protect your children? CBOs are the agencies involved with volunteer recruitment, fund-raising, and administration of service for these community shelters and crisis services. 
• Are you operating under the delusion that you, or a loved one, couldn't possibily suffer a debilitating accident that would require not just medical; but long term non-medical care service? Your insurer may cut you a check; but how much remaining freedom and quality of life would you have if there was no one around to assist you in doing something as basic as getting out of bed? CBOs are the long term shelters and care services for these people, who would otherwise have to get that care from more formal institutions like a hospital if they didn'texist for them. Again, they would be impossible to function by charity alone.

There are countless other examples of how CBOs serve and bring quality of life to the residents of this province. I used these few as an example because these are the CBO enivronments I've worked in and contributed to.
I'm tired of blame orientated debates instead of solution orientated forums amongst our elected officials. I'm sickened about just how invisible our and other CBO agencies are to our communities.
It's irritating to see the lag in progress happening because of the in the eyes of certain ministries, we fall behind unseen, yet rigid jurisdictional technicalities that one side or another doesn't want to approach or be responsible for. All this creates some sort of imposed inefficiency for the management of some agencies because they become thus responsible for having to use a sizable chunk of time to campaign for their our fund-raising instead of using the time to deliver the services that they are supposed to provide. The Wall government of Saskatchewan is rightly named, as it seems to have done nothing but built up walls between itself and the unions and others who are democratically trying to serve those in need here.

To Saskatchewan residents, along with the other decisions you are considering before you cast your ballot on November 7th, I'm asking you not to forget about those who work for, support, or are served by CBOs. I'm asking you not to take us for granted. I'm asking you to be apart from the collective ignorance and indifference, as has been shown by the current provincial administration, whose policies have not only been keeping the funds of our province's "prosperity" away from these organizations, but have been active in stifling the voice of union respresentation****, and therefore the workers, trying to make a difference for the lives of people here. Vote with a conscience! Vote for justice! Vote for Health Care! Vote Against Social Decay! Vote for Sharing Our Wealth with Services!

* - Don't feel too bad for not knowing, because I work and for people who don't even know themselves that they are using, or are employed by a CBO.
**- Think carefully before you answer with the stereotype of what you think a "homeless" person is. There is an increasing number of working poor and working homeless in this province because of the shortage of affordable housing that's occurring here. Ironically, some of these short-changed people are CBO workers themselves. What a hell of a reward that is for providing home care services for others.
***- Another disturbing note about the increasing divide between the rich and poor since Saskatchewan has been labelled a "have" province: soup kitchens are appearing now in communities in this province which never had one before, even during The Great Depression.
****- I specifically refer to the passing of Bills 5 and 6 in the Saskatchewan Legislature.

Bless You Steve Jobs... Funeral Protesters...Go To Hell!

It's not a normal habit of mine to actively read over the obituaries of celebrities; in the recent case of Steve Jobs though, I somehow couldn't help but to feel obliged to do so. It's partially due to the fact that I sincerely admire his ingenuity, but a lot of it has to do with the fact that we both shared this experience in developing pancreatic problems. I got lucky and overcame mine. It wasn't so for him, and it progressed to something worse that ended his life. I found myself curious if how he dealt with the news was anything similar to the way I did. I hoped to find out when and where his the funeral services would be, and to perhaps even find an online book of condolences to share my sentiments for this great innovator.

My search through the postings of the death of Steve Jobs was a sobering reminder as to why I have divorced and abandoned myself completely away from the stupidity of religious dogmatism and fundamentalism, and the people who fanatically chose to follow such things. When it comes to spirtuality or religion, there is nothing more disgusting to me than people using their sanctimony, or citing "God's will", to preach hatred, abuse, and violence, no matter which faith it is. Through the news gleaned in my searches, I discovered a reprehensible plan by the Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas to intrude, and picket, and protest at the funeral of this wonderful human being who has brought so much benefit to modern society. Their reason, according to a Twitter message from one of it's members, which ironically was sent from an iPhone (which Steve Jobs of course invented), is stated as,"Westboro will picket his funeral. He [Jobs] had a huge platform; gave God no glory & taught sin." Read more: http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/312445#ixzz1a6wadcw3*

If I was ever approached by the fool who ever said that to me, and if I was given no choice to avoid engaging with them about the subject, I'd have to point out to them that Steve Jobs wasn't even a Christian, but a Zen Buddhist; and if he indeed lived up to using a Zen perspective, a.) he would have regarded his "platform" not so much as huge, but non-permanent and ever-changing/evolving, and he wisely did not squander it to the will of absolutist thinkers (or thinking), b.) with a Zen mind, it wouldn't have been a concern to him as to whether or not there was even a God to give any glory to, and c.) there is no such doctrine or dogma in Zen Buddhism that recognizes such a concept as "sin" to begin with** therefore he didn't make it some mandate of his to intentionally "teach" sin to others. How Jobs supposedly "taught sin", according to the WBC, was that he somehow made Apple Inc. a very "pro-homosexual" company.

Of course the members of the WBC are too busy bending interpretations of scriptures to make them suit their political agenda, and would seem far too ignorant to bring themselves around to Zen Buddhist thinking like Steve Jobs did: that is, being mindful and noting interdependence of all things in existance, and the interplays of cause and effect. They proved that their organization has no problem or qualms about using computer technology to do their self-righteous gay-bashing; yet they fail to see the irony that without one gay person at a critical time in our history, there might not have been any computers (as we know them), nor even any freedom of speech for this group to enjoy or exploit for expressing their delusional beliefs for that matter. It would help if I used the context of something in real history about another "computer innovator" to shed light on that last point.

During World War II, the British were feverishly trying to develop a machine to decode the cyphers being intercepted from the German U-boat fleets in order to get a leg up on the Battle of the Atlantic. A man with a brilliant mathematical and technical mind, named Alan Turing, was the genius who contributed to this decryption project in Blechley Park in London that ultimately broke the Nazis codes. This in turn helped the British turn the tables to have more allied shipping and supplies safely arrive; saving Britain from starvation and scarcity of other defense resources. This the helped lead to the allies victory in Europe, which ultimately overthrew the stranglehold of fascism and preserved democracy and free speech, at least in Western Europe. Alan Turing's ingenuity also laid out the ground work for the technology for the first digital computers, which were ultimately used to accelerate developments for the Manhatten Project, which finally led to the victory over Japan, thus securing America's victory and democracy. Turing also happened to be a homosexual.

I can't help but to wonder how differently the world could be now, and the alternate consequences that would have unfolded, if a scenario occurred where some ignorant, bigoted, sanctimonious bastard found out about Alan`s lifestyle, and just for sport, used his religiously-inspired prejudice to find Turing and incidentally beat him to death in a gay-bashing frenzy before Turing was ever able to finish the vital work for he was doing for the defense of Britain during that war. Britain may have then lost out to the evils of Nazism had that happened. I would hate and fear being under the boot heel of a totalitarian regime (ie. no right to intellectual freedom, no freedom of expression, no right to assemble, and no right to vote or live democratically, and no right to question authority) far more so than I would ever fear and hate someone who was a homosexual. Living life under the ideology of religious fundamentalists would be very close to, if not exactly like, living under a totalitarian regime.

I've seen the ugly face of this radical WBC group before. They are into the condemnation of any person or celebrity figure whom they regard as being so "sinful" as to respect the rights of gays and lesbians.  This band of brain-washed idiots also protested at the more recent military funerals of the American soldiers who served overseas, citing that it was God's punishment to America for being more tolerant of homosexuality in society.They're more of a cult than a church, being made up of mostly family members under the direction of it's deranged leader*** Fred Phelps. I once saw a YouTube video of Phelps expounding his gratitude that "George Carlin is now in HELL!" soon after Carlin's death in 2008. George Carlin, despite his culture-clashing, satirical style of humour (like the Seven Words You Can't Say on Television routine), did so much to actually pave the way for freedom of speech rights in American media, and examine the semantics of our public (or decent) use of language. So, then Phelps and his troop of ultra-conservative religious loonies exploited those very same rights that Carlin exemplified and even legally fought for, only to then publically broadcast the 'damnation' of George Carlin. George Carlin did all that dirty work for them, only to have them abuse this freedom of speech that they have to announce that he'll be sent to hell for what he did. How ironic can you get!

If indeed the WBC successfully executes its indecent intention to disrupt the service and rites of the funeral of Steve Jobs (or any other people they term as "sinners"), I'll be very saddened and fearful. Protesting at a funeral, in my mind, defies all that is decent. Willfully disrupting an event of commemoration for a person's good works on Earth of finding new innovations that unite humanity with new technology, and then using that same technology to try to rally people together to indignify and defame him is beyond insulting, and exposes a whole new level of deplorable ignorance in religious fanatics. They will only prove to the rest of the world yet another monstrous side of themselves; how arrogant, bigoted, intolerant, hypocritical, and obnoxious religious fundamentalists are, and how willing such people are to trespass and encroach on the events of harmonious commemoration and celebration others are trying to create.


* - I only include the link for an accurate reference, I by no means wish to give this abomination of a christian "church" more attention than it deserves.
**- In Buddhism, there are no sins, but there are differing degrees of skillfulness (or unskillfulness) in conduct (which is relativistic) which then always results into, or is resulting from, karma, which will ultimately determine if or how you will suffer. It's not about terms of satisfying some absolute moral imperative which puts you at the mercy of the favour (or disfavour) of some kind of anthropomorphic divine being, like in Western monotheistic religions.
*** - I use the term "cult leader" instead of "pastor", as he calls himself, because I chose not to insult any Christians of better discretion by endowing him with the latter mentioned title.

In Remembrance of Grandma

It was last week, the day after my birthday, when I last visited my 90 year old Grandmother, my Mom's Mom. My Mom first called me, explaining how her state of health has been going downhill, and that it all began with some spell which resulted with her kidney function starting to shut down. After her trip to the hospital, she was moved to a facility for temporary respite care. Her physical health declined so much since the last few months ago since we last visited that I even failed to recognize her at first. I talked with her a while. She was still together mentally, even remembering to wish me a happy birthday, and sharing with me the goings on of her past few days with all her visitors with good detail. However, her energy was such that she couldn't keep a conversation up for very long; not without draining her further, or impairing her ability to be understood. I couldn't delude myself in thinking that such a condition of someone who was 90 years young was going to improve, and what was important for me that afternoon was to give her that one last hug and kiss, and to tell her that I loved her. It was hard to witness her suffering this way; but to spend this bit of time with her was perhaps my most valuable birthday gift.

I received the official word that my Grandmother died yesterday evening. When death came to her, I'm thankful to say that it was a relatively quick coupe de grace, and she didn't suffer long, and I'm thankful that she departed this realm without any dementia, or any other severe mental degradation; still lucid enough to be able to recognize her family and loved ones. When I heard the news, I didn't find myself crying, or struck with, or bound up in any other heavy or deep expression of grief. I wasn't reacting with a mindset of a mourner; I chose instead the perspective of gratitude of what and who she was. I thought in a way as one who could perhaps be responsible for delivering the eulogy for at her upcoming funeral, even though I'm hardly one to be worthy of giving a commentary of such depth and scope of existence for someone who has lived out her time on this earth for nine tenths of a century. We all die, and to be given the chance to live a long life independently, to witness the coming of your great-great grandchildren, and to do it all with a clear and lucid mind is, what I would suppose, the best blessing one can get. It's not really a time to mourn; but a time to honestly celebrate the life of someone who has received such a blessing. I'm so glad that gift was bestowed upon my Grandmother, and I'll always see her as someone who deserved it. .

Thank you so much for everything Grandma, for the fellowship and friendship you gave to others, for the laughter and humour you had, and for collectively making us a better family. See you again on the weekend, along with the rest of us.

With love always, your eldest grandson

Brian

On This Birthday...

I made it through another year of life. I'm grateful. I hardly think it's worth posting and pinning down just how old I am now, because I just completed a 'real age' test at http://www.realage.com, and I actually got physically younger since the last time I took it; still registering as a few years less than my actual chronological age. That's something else for which I'm thankful. Here are a few more points listed for which I'm grateful for today with the coming of this gift of a new year of life:

• I had this day off from work, and I didn't have to slog through a ridiculous night shift. Hence, I was able to enjoy this day with some semblence of lucidity. I'll forego any other comment I have about work, or what I'd like to see happen, except that I've reached the point where I'm going to have to put more focus on finding and achieving what is rewarding for me to do.
• I received my driver's license renewal notice in the mail today, which also reminded me that my photo had to be renewed. I never pay attention to how my driver's license photo looks, so I checked it out today. I'm happy to say that it appears that I changed for the better since the last shot of me. Again, thankful.
• The sky was cloudless, and the temperature reached up in the high 20's through the day. The leaves have started to turn their fall colours by the river. It was the perfect scene for the run I've committed myself to do today. I passed 25 kms (thinking now that perhaps I overdid it). Noting this, I've set the goal to reach 2000 kms of recorded running distance before the end of September. It would be nice just to step out each day to watch the season flow as the autumn landscape reveals itself and passes away. I hope there'll be a nice long string of days coming ahead just like this one was.
• Taking the time to binge on a few carb loaded goodies. I had no cake, but savoured some scallops and fettucini, and a few fistfuls of sweets...heavenly.
• I missed out on sharing company with those I wanted to spend time with, people like Jessica Biel, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johannsen, Olivia Munn...oh well...their loss I guess. Thankful for having this kind of imagination.
• Happy to see some greetings from the rest of you who chose to sent them. Thanks a lot.

My Top 10 Podcast Favourites

One thing that I like to do, especially on Sunday mornings, to give my eyes and brain a break from the assault of the commercial-festered meme-warfare that is television and visual-web media, is to download and listen to podcasts from iTunes. It's easy to focus in on some subject specific, ranging from the trivial to the educational. Some I tune into for some specific steps to achieve a goal; others are just strictly for leisure and entertainment. Most are,thankfully, uninterrupted and commercial free. Here are ten of my (less explicit) kinds that I tune into.

1. Podrunner/ Motion Trax- These are two podcast series that serve up track mixes that are timed to your particular heartbeat and running pace. Naturally, I play these while I'm running. although the majority of them are techo and trance based, there are a variety of genres to pick from. The Motion Trax playlists are pretty upbeat.
2. iTunes U - Although it is catagorized seperately from the podcasts, they are still of that sort of format. Basically, you're able to audit university level lectures for free on any subject taught in a post-secondary institution. My only complaint is that American Universities are the dominant contributors to the iTunes U forums. I wish there was more Canadian, British, and Australian content, as well as translated lectures from French, German, Russian and Japanese universities.
3. Shift: Stories Behind the Stats - CBC radio programme discussing the demographic trends of Canada and the rest of the globe
4. Weird News Radio - The news stories that expose the stupider side of humanity. From people starting franchaises for exorcisms, to the idiotic things that criminals do to get caught: were he alive today, this would knock Darwin down on his ass, either laughing or crying.
5. Meditation Oasis/Meditation Station - Self-explanitory...use less words...think less...pay attention to your breath...clear your mind...tune into yourself more...focus...accept...repeat.
6. Zencast.org - Although I'm not officially a Zen Buddhist, nor was ever I raised as one, these podcasts are significant to me because their content best reflects the core of my particular personal belief system. Exercising mindfulness, learning to be present, being wary of cause and effect, and the workings of attachments and suffering within the context of the Four Noble Truths. Interesting stuff to contemplate.
7. The Jillian Michaels Show - The Nazi-esque trainer from The Biggest Loser gives help and hints for me to eat right for my load of exercise that I do.
8. The Human Performance Powercast - A little more guy oriented podcast about diet and exercise.
9. Out Of Their Minds/Spark - Other CBC programmes: OTM focuses on the innovators and inventors of some wild, weird, and sometimes wonderful technology. Spark deals with trends in technology and society.
10. Personal Growth Podcast - If it's my life's mission to grow everyday, this is one avenue to review things for doing so. I like the episodes of this one because they are short and direct.

New Goals to Make

Today I'm scheduled for my three month follow-up ultrasound, to check up on the condition of things that were discovered earlier this year. I've been feeling very well physically, and I've had no recurrence of extreme discomfort or pain since then. I don't want to jinx myself in saying that any anomalies or tumours have completely disappeared, but it feels like they have. I'm going to conclude that if the results are fine, I'll be satisfied to say that I'm healthy enough to pursue other goals. I think my personal objectives are not in the same sphere of normal compared to those of other people, as I am working with the premise that I'm mostly live as a loner, and I'm the only one taking care of me. Generally, they are in the realms of things that I'd think would make me a better person to make it easier to take care of myself and remain independent; to do something more than just surviving as a loner.

What are these new goals? I'm still working on them. So far, generally, they would be all rooted in the realm of fundamental things of what I would say are necessary to have a good life. There are five of these so called realms in my particular system of living that I would say are my essentials. I deem them to be:

1. Health – It's the major one I'm focusing on now, and the one that will be ongoing. No need to mention more than I have posted about the subject already. I've worked long enough around people whose lives are limited in many respects because, either by accident of birth or circumstance, or through their own addictions or ignorance, they've been rendered too immobile or dependant on extra care just to live. For me to witness all this, and then for me to do things to my own body which rob me of years and make me less than I could be is something I see now as just plain stupid.
   
2. Wealth – This point might surprise some people who think they would know me better, since it probably doesn't reflect so much in my home life, because I actively make an effort to keep my living space simple and Spartan. Truly, I do like money; I just don't like clutter and waste. I believe in having a sufficient abundance; I prefer not wasting energy managing anything I have of a great excess, good or bad. I want to do more to attract more money in my life; but I really don't ever want a stable full of white elephants. For me, more money equals more freedom. Squandering all one's money on showy status material, lots of possessions, especially expensive ones, just leaves you more anchored down by feeling more responsible for more things to manage, and more vulnerable to having more things to lose. Money is like any other artificially created human invention or technology: it has the potential for doing either good or evil. My philosophy of wealth and my corresponding targeted goals concerning it is mainly such: that there is nothing that would make me feel richer than the feeling of being free to live however I choose unencumbered, and being around people who interest me and sincerely enjoy my company, which brings me to the next point.
   
3. Good Relations- Whether they be ranging between the familial/friendships, platonic/sexual, strangers/people who are just plain strange, I do try to make it a goal to a least begin with engaging people with kindness. I'm well aware that I may not seem so approachable to begin with. I think I have a goofy-looking smile, so I'm a bit self-conscious of doing it with initial greetings, or wearing it all the time. It's something to work on. Ninety percent of the time, I'm arriving to work exhausted and leave there feeling even more so, so the old joie de vivre doesn't reflect very well sometimes (most times), no matter how pleasant I try to be. I have a few goals related to getting more rest and being less introverted, and trying not to allow myself to feel "all peopled out" after work, so I can make some more meaningful social contact during my personal time. Maybe a new significant other would do me some good [emphasis on maybe].
   
4. Wisdom- To use knowledge to gain as many advantages I can over the course of life, or to at least use it better for coping with it whenever things don't go my way. I will always make time for listening, reading, and tuning into such things. That's my habit. Well over 90% of the television I bother to watch is educational media. I read daily. I usually have three to seven books on the go at any one time. I have little use or respect for people who openly tell me that they don't care much for reading. My biggest challenge for fulfilling some of my wisdom goals is finding examples of respectable people to use as mentors to educate me in person. I have high standards for this, and it's tougher than you'd think it might be. I think I also need to seriously deploy some mnemonic training to filter down the time and energy I need to learn the massive volume of stuff I may be destined to study in the months ahead.
   
5. Happiness- Perhaps the most elusive of these pursuits, and the most abstract one. For now, the definition of happiness for me is whatever it is that pulls me out of a long rut of depressing routine. The definition needs to change, and so does my approach for getting it.