Post Funeral Reckonings

I just returned home from a funeral. I don't believe in publishing the name of any deceased person within my circle of acquaintanceship, nor the details of their passing away, without formal permission from their family to do so first, so I've withheld those details. But what I will remember and say of this person is that it was someone who believed in living honestly, dutifully and working toward virtues, and seeing that this person was so welcoming and respectful to me and my family, and always treated me kindly when I visited her, it made me feel assured that she perhaps saw some of the same qualities in me as well. I am also grateful that it was someone who was a supportive and dear friend to my own Mom; who sadly was a witness to the critical incident that eventually claimed this person's life. Looking aside from the death itself, I am comforted a bit in knowing that she was spared from suffering for very long, and mostly good things seem to be going on in the lives of her surviving children and grandchildren, and that they seem to be prospering well enough. I wish better for all of them in the times ahead.

My mind has been thrown on a bit of an emotional roller coaster as I sit here and reflect about not only the passing of this person, and with all who I spoke to and saw during course of the day, the most salient things being:

• memories that were tagged to some of the guests there who were indirectly a link to the past bad memories from my old home town I grew up in. The case today was that I met the sibling*  of someone else who put a lot of effort into attacking my self-esteem and psychologically bullying me through any opportunity they had throughout my school years. Through our discussion, I gained a clearer picture today as to why that person had used so much energy in directing this abuse at me: it stemmed from their own selfishness and insecurity; nothing really to do with any flaw I had (something I wished I had the sense to learn and accept a few decades ago). I should feel more secure in myself after knowing this, but I only feel despair and regret. After all these years, I'm still angry to depth of my core about how I allowed the antics of a pathologically hyper-competitive, sanctimonious, spiteful, asshole who thrived on schadenfreude, to scar my self-confidence/esteem so deeply, which has affected more than one aspect of my life for so long. I'm ashamed to admit this, but it is true.
• in the scope of things, I'm realizing just how I've been limiting myself and treating myself badly. Worse than even being enslaved by some sort of addiction, is failing to reach one's real potential, and failing to see that one deserves better and to live with dignity, and to not waste any more time suffering fools.
• it's overwhelming and incredibly hard to meet people after not seeing them for five years or more, and being pressed to try to share a summary of my own life details, or to get a concise precis of theirs. Part of my failure for this is not being available socially anymore, and seeing how much time has past in between is a hard way to be struck back into reality.
• the general overall reminder about how life is too short, and how it can vanish away in a blink of an eye; and I'm forced to think of the ways that I'm squandering away my own talents, resources, and energies . . . maybe now more than ever I must stop and wonder, and ask myself at this stage of it, the question: "Is it really meaningful for me anymore?

When arriving home and checked messages, it was almost as if it was a sign from above, given the course of this day, that I found this link sent to my Facebook feed. I am sharing it here as well: On The Shortness of Life: An Introduction to Seneca. Thanks again, Tim!

*- He's an honestly decent and good person, with whom I never had any qualms with. I regard the same of the parents of them, which makes me wonder what the hell went wrong with this other person.