Post Equinox

Right now, I sit here writing all this during another bad bout of insomnia. It’s around 4:00 am; I find it to be like a deserted temporal shore that my mind has somehow become washed up and stranded on, and left to just wander about to find some way to subsist. Sleep ain’t happening. There is no TV to watch, and even if there was, right now I can only tolerate silence, so music is out too. I can’t be troubled trying to process the words in a book or webpage written by someone else now. It’s like I have some sort of terrible mental itchiness, and writing was only way I could find to scratch at it.

I’ve been going back and forth from work in the past eight days on autopilot, not being really conscious of what I do here when I do stay at home, except to try to sleep, but it doesn’t seem to happen easily, even with the good fortune swapping a nightshift over to something more conducive to preserving my sanity. By the looks of things, I’ve been neglecting stuff around here. It’s like I’ve had to backtrack myself forensically to see what I’ve been doing for the past few days. My dishwasher contents show that only meal eaten here is breakfast, plus a couple of early lunches. There are lots of freezer containers from frozen leftovers. Those, plus the garbage contents, tell me that I’ve been depriving myself of anything fresh. There is an unnerving absence of things in the laundry hamper, which means I’ve been over-wearing some clothes, and since there are less sweaty gym clothes than there should normally be, I’ve been also neglecting gym time. I’m relying on more showers instead (judging by the state of bathroom, and amount of used towels) to feel awake and refreshed during my days. I also notice the strewn receipt slips and piles of neglected statements all over my desk, that’s enough to tell me that I’m in a bit of a depressive slump if I’m doing this much procrastinating in my home life. I don’t know what else to call it.

I think most of the issue is that I just feel spent. Along with coming through the doldrums of winter, I made a realization that between the two positions; with this present go around, that I’ll be working a sixteen day stretch before my next scheduled day off. I had coffee with a friend earlier in the day and realized, through our discussion, that I haven’t been on a real getaway vacation since 2006. I used to travel more frequently, but then I became perhaps too responsible for other things. Despite living alone, it seems like there’s very little ‘me’ time left to have. When I have time off, it seems like the last thing I want to wire into is yet more issues dealing with other people; so I tend to opt not to be social, no matter how cordial people are about things, so that attitude pretty much makes me veer away from making new friendships beyond work, or tuning into any other kind of special ‘love vibe’. It’s the only explanation I can give as to why I’m probably still single. I haven’t been feeling focused, and lately I just don’t feel recharged enough, from day after day, to do anything effective at work anymore. It seems like I genuinely need holiday time, or time away, I just don’t know how, or where.

We’re past that hump of the Vernal Equinox, so we officially enter the phase of the year when there is more daylight time than darkness. More daylight means more time and energy during the day to feel obligated to work on stuff, personal stuff. Because if I don’t in this next while, I really won’t feel like I’d have anything left in me if something else charges into my life that would be really critical that I’d have to tackle.

I’ll start out with an intensive trip to the gym, and see what momentum gathers from there onward. That is, if I ever get enough sleep.