Zen and Car Shopping

This morning is close to feeling frosty, but I still troubled myself to make time very early this morning to drink coffee on the deck. It's probably the only real moment of peace I'll be able to find today. Some co-workers lately have commented to me on how stressed I look. Sure, I have some weighty issues to contemplate, but it's mostly due to lack of sleep, because I am still having a challenge in being able to settle myself where I'm physically comfortably enough to be free of my remaining aches and pains. I notice how badly I've been dragging myself through the latter half of each day for the past week as a consequence of it.

I've healed up enough though, and now physically mobile enough where I can finally get on with wrapping up the sordid business of settling my insurance claim, so I can finally ditch my old wreck of a vehicle instead of still relying on it to get around. I'm grateful that I'm finally made it to a state where I can walk almost normally, and can endure a prolonged biking trip at least halfway through the city and back. I'll have to manage with doing more of both walking and cycling; since as of today, I'll be carless for an indefinite period of time.

Running, however, still has been too physically demanding and problematic. I still can't push my pace or breathing anywhere near to the intensity I used to do: not without risking more damage. The inner muscles surrounding my lower leg bones are super-tight; my tibia and fibula feel like they are encased in steel pipe. My chances for racing by month's end are looking really hopeless.

Along with that, I've been frustrated and disappointed with so many other things during this week. They range from car shopping still being a bothersome gong show, to discovering the deceptive means that our province's social services use to screw over care aide workers and those they serve, all with the attitude of: "you're just pawns in this game". It's an ongoing adventure in discovering how ignorant, corrupt, and stupid people are, and the lengths they'll go to try to shaft you. I don't mean to get preachy, but it's a good moment to reflect and examine some of the past-goings on, and to put them in a Zen context.

I think of the example of dealing with the matter of car shopping alone to illustrate this. I have been delaying car shopping for quite some time. Procrastination? Maybe, perhaps a little of that . . . but there was also a strong, nagging, instinct in me telling me that I wasn't ready for it yet. In Zen Buddhism, there is the teachings of the three unwholesome roots, also referred to as "the three poisons". They are: hatred, greed, and delusion. On a more primary level, they in turn are generally connected with ignorance, attachment, and avoidance, which are the components and sources of all suffering. In car shopping, while trying to heal myself, it's inevitable that I'd be confronting and clashing with those three elements within myself and in others. The (incomplete) breakdown is as thus, with crossovers and connections between each point:

• Hatred (Avoidance) - hating getting injury irritated by moving around, to appointments that could turn out to be just a pointless waste of time; more negativity and distrust of the sellers, frustrated by misrepresentation in the ads; frustrated by limited mobility; hating not having a work schedule that accommodates me to look at cars at the times when most are available for viewing; dealing with insurer and the idiot who rammed me; I dislike shopping most of the time to begin with, and it's now worsened by feeling pressured to do so out of necessity; ultimately wanting to avoid the feeling of being deceived and cheated; new debts, higher registrations fees, etc.
• Greed (Attachment) - Sellers assigning too much value to a high mileage/older car; me being strict and inflexible with a personal budget; me wanting to use time to rest rather than kick tires; wanting/liking a car and then finding out too late that it has been sold; feeling a lack of options, and forced to buy something out of some duress; buying more than I can afford in the long run.
• Delusion (Ignorance) - my impatience for wanting to heal faster, yet still forced to do things that are counterproductive to allow for it; seeing a person not acknowledging the flaws I detect when I examine a vehicle, and/or flat out trying to bullshit me about them; not having the right senses to detect the real performance of the car and poor/rash decision making (being on pain-killers); failing to ask the right questions/missing details; lacking a consumer confidence in making the right decision for myself; the clash between the reasoning about what is practical need, and what I find more sensually appealing; having too high a standard on things that matter less: having too low of a standard on things that matter more.

Along with healing to get better mobility, delaying (procrastinating) was one way to mentally detox, to clean some of these poisons out of the mind, if I really wanted to put a champion's effort into wisely buying a vehicle, but it's important to limit it before it turns into another form of avoidance.

So today, I face the reality of trying to crack open the trunk for the first time since the collision*, to clear out and salvage my vehicle's contents, and load my bike in there to permit myself a means to ride to the bank with my settlement afterward, and return home. My car served me well enough, but I'll be happy to finally rid myself of that little beast, and move onward. I have no special sentiments attached to it: no regrets, no tears. It just gave me lots of lessons (and repairs) to process for the time I had it.

Back to a more intensified effort toward walking, biking, and hopefully running, better . . . for a little while hopefully.

*- It doesn't matter if it can be shut again, since the car is heading to the scrap yard after I drop it off at the claims centre. Addendum: as expected, the damn trunk didn't close once I dropped it off there.

Happy Easter, Happy Birthday Buddha!

The great menacing freak snowstorm fronts coming from Alberta and the south that we were originally destined to get had dissipated, at least for our area, and luckily there remained a completely snow-free corridor along the stretch of highway that I needed to drive through. Other areas of the province weren’t so lucky. For instance, my brother’s community in the Southeast got nailed hard. They awoke to 30 centimetres of new snow covering everything: more than they had all winter. It was a miracle that we somehow weren’t affected, and that this miserable stuff dodged us. It’s still really cold, but I’m so thankful that I didn’t have to travel through any of that kind of inclemency.

I departed Saskatoon to visit my parents late Saturday afternoon. I took time to sort of attend to my own spiritual affairs in the city before I left to join them for Easter. I attended a dharma lecture presented by a visiting Buddhist monk. He was of the Tibetan school of Buddhism, and he came from Ontario. His name was Gen Kelsang Rabgye. I gleaned so much from his three hour lecture, which included a fabulous lesson on having a quality session of meditation. Since I’ve been studying Buddhism, more specifically Zen, I’ve found that the concepts of no inherent existence and non-self were always hard concepts to grasp. Rabgye provided good examples that brought so much clarity for me.

The Tibetan word for "prayer" translates to "wish path"

Gen Kelsang Rabgye

Today is not only Easter Sunday; it is also Buddha’s birthday. Since this is so, I thought I’d share my thoughts about Buddhism, and why it has become a bigger part of my life in the past few years. I am quite truthful in saying that I don’t currently practice any sort religion.* Generally, religions focus on the subjugation of people for some purpose of ultimately appeasing the supposed super-imposed will of some God figure: commonly represented in the West as some sort of cosmic, law-giving, super-entity that smites or forsakes people who don't accept, nor yield to, nor cower to the power of this almighty being. That’s not what Buddhism is about. Buddhism isn’t so much a religion as it is a more of a spiritual method of psychoanalysis: gaining insight about the truth of nature in an empirical manner, and gaining sounder sense of the world through a tamer, tranquil, and happier mind; extinguishing the hatred, greed, and delusions that ultimately bring about one’s suffering; and being mindful about the nature of the forces of cause and effect (karma). It allows you to deeply and directly cultivate wisdom, happiness, and compassion because it's already innate and natural for you to want to rid yourself of suffering anyway. All happiness/suffering originates in your own mind, and it's ultimately your own choice and responsibility as to which paths you'll take. In such a paradigm, things aren't due to anything else supernatural, like some god's grace/wrath, or whim for your salvation/damnation. You can have any kind of heritage, or believe whatever faith it is you (think you) have, and still practice Buddhism. There is no conflict within me studying Buddhism and celebrating and enjoying "religious" holidays like Christmas and Easter with my family. If one does have such conflict or personal upheaval, I’d say one wasn’t doing their practice right. I like Buddhism because it has nothing to sell me. I like the fact that it invites the disciple to freely explore the world, applying the teachings of the eightfold path and seeing the results, and to not just blindly accept the teachings as they are. It’s non-dogmatic, welcoming you to freely discard it if it all turns out to be bullshit for you: as in not genuinely bringing you happiness (less suffering) in helping out yourself and others. If you don’t like it, you are free to find something else that does the trick. I highly doubt if the big three western Abrahamic faiths, or even some of the newer "cults" are so confident as to state that without some caveat about dire consequences attached.

Zen, or any other form of Buddhism, is not merely an intellectual pursuit. It only works for you if you practice it, and put it into action. I don't claim to be the best at doing this, but I think I prefer Zen, apart from the meditation, for the fact that there is, by the example of some of its own teachers, a little more leeway for using some spontaneity, wildness, humour, and shock value to snap people (including yourself) to their senses. It’s very down to earth in that respect. Some of the best teachers of it (some achieving enlightenment, others not) have varying backgrounds. They include noblemen, beggars, former criminals, artisans, warriors, and even a punk rock bass player (in contemporary writings, of course). Zen’s teachings of compassion fit better to my definition of it more than other schools. I admit, my patience still very taxed sometimes in engaging with some people with more drama-oriented personalities, but with Zen on my side I have gained more courage to confront them and help them as needed, and less inclination of avoiding them altogether. Sometimes they get my humour, other times they get a question that makes them think about their sensibility of their drama/actions or behaviour. Sometimes it comes out with less-than-tactful, colourful, and even profane sounding language, but sometimes I have to lower/raise myself to someone else’s operating level to make them see my point**: if they can’t deal with, or process my first suggestion or response. A little embarrassing laughter may result; sometimes I have to use a little self-effacing humour to keep things from escalating. In either case, it’s better than dealing with the problem with full out anger, from either side, needlessly spinning things into a guilt trip for someone else. The base intention is still the same: to stop such people from edging themselves into a bigger heap of greater suffering. The people I deal with have a big enough trial from day to day; they need not have their problems compounded with extra ignorance. I’m realistic in knowing that I won’t get through to all people, but it is my sincere wish and intent to help make others be at least a little more happy and comfortable; including myself. That’s the true goal in trying to attain enlightenment through Buddhism.

*-I tried and explored theistic religion(s) . . . sorry, but no thank you. I decided to grow up and think for myself instead, and divorce myself from any so-called “loving and peaceful” Abrahamic faith institutions that: do little to quell (and in fact often promote) sectarian violence, terrorism, ethnic cleansing, or sanction “holy wars”; endorse racial/ gender/sexual inequality/segregation and homophobia; forbid the teaching of the theory of evolution in schools; use disinformation about, or threaten harsh consequences for the use of birth control/condoms/STD protection; uphold and support death penalties for things like “blasphemy”; support capital punishment in general; harbour and give sanctuary to criminals of genocide while neglecting the actual victims of it; threaten me or others with reprisals, excommunication, or damnation for questioning or disagreeing with their particular creed or dogma; are actively involved with using guilt and shaming real victims of serious violations and abuse into silence.

** - Or, equally, to allow me to see theirs.