One person that always made me laugh with his lightning quick wit and intellect, and poignant observations was Robin Williams. It's especially bewildering and difficult to fathom something as abruptly tragic and shocking as the recent news of his death, and knowing that the word of it came to the world as a report of suicide. I don't know what else I could add to the words of loss and the sentiments for him that haven't already been said. I just know that this instance is a harsh reminder to be a lot more mindful in watching my own self when I'm feeling more blue than usual. Even though I've been having a good long stretch of days off, I've been in a rut, feeling very confined and useless, not knowing where to direct and commit my energy. I just don't know what fun seems to be anymore, and I've been only wasting my time avoiding the heat and brooding. I can't just conveniently escape anywhere because the repercussions of the fiasco that's now over a year and a half old continue to stifle me. The news of his passing has only made my spirits plummet even more. I'm surprised that I even got word of this tragedy at all in a timely manner, as I have been actively avoiding all the news links entirely with things getting crazier and worsening between Russia and Ukraine, Israel and Gaza, Iraq, plus the increased local violent crime reports that the Ex season here inevitably brings.
I often fail and neglect to acknowledge just how sad and depressed I sometimes really get. I just try to hack and slash through whatever challenge I'm trying deal with at any given time; foolishly thinking that my own patience will be strong enough in the end to conquer whatever it is, forgetting that I need to come up for air once in a while. The feedback usually comes to me in the form of headaches, muscle tension, GI distress, and back pain, or with less afflictive cues like the expressions and behaviours directed to me by my dog, the most honest of creatures, whenever I'm disturbed by problems and bad news. Those are the signs of when I need some time out to process such things emotionally. More often than not, I'm left to face and deal with such demons alone. I rely on comedy and the thoughts of comedians a lot to get me through these ordeals. Sometimes it's a very necessary thing to use as a shield from all the suffering and struggles I witness and watch other people having day in and day out. So, it's an especially hard thing to digest when a true king of comic genius, who has had a brilliant and successful career on stage and screen and a reputation of generosity, goodwill, and kind-heartedness, gets toppled and crushed himself by the grip of depression. Perhaps it's selfish for me to say, but the loss of Robin Williams under these circumstances makes me question if I'll have enough wherewithal, fortitude, and resources to ever deal with the baggage if things take an even more drastic turn for the worse. He was a person who seemed to have had so much more than I do at his disposal in terms of a network and resources to maybe deal with his personal problems, and yet things somehow failed for him. How then, given my limits, would I ever be able to cope?
The films: Good Will Hunting, The Dead Poets Society, The Fisher King, and Mrs. Doubtfire, are all there within my top 50 all-time favourite movies list. I am grateful for Robin Williams' contribution to all of them. The world of entertainment, in both comedy and drama, will be a more desolate place without his unique presence, spontaneity, heart-touching intellect, raw energy, and spirit.
Goodbye and thank you Robin; may you find your peace at last.
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