I’m rather thankful that yesterday was so soggy and cloudy, as
it gave me incentive to rest and heal up my legs properly. I only had a three
hours of work yesterday, and today is a whole day off. Today, I hit the indoor
track and the weight room, as the weather is a continuance of yesterday’s rain
and gloom, but tomorrow it will be a 14.5 km trial outside, no matter what the
weather throws at me in the morning. The remainder of today was used for menu
planning/meal prep, reading, watching a classic comedy on DVD, and throwing on
the random Genius mixes of my iTunes player to welcome a little bit of musical
serendipity as I did some other research and while I wrote this.
My interests have been drifting all over the place on page
and screen: from biomechanics to nutrition; from programming to practical application
formulas; from wood-working/carving/cabinetry to container gardening; from travel
to navigation/orienteering to mnemonic techniques and linguistics. Just random
stuff, I couldn’t nail any one topic down to study with any great intensity or single
mindedness; I couldn’t even think of anything that all these things had in
common to use as a more meaningful basis for something to focus on. The
orienteering stuff was inspired by a trip to Cabela’s today. I always wanted enough practical
knowledge in navigation to get myself in and out of the wilderness, or through parts
unknown, when I choose to veer off of the beaten paths while hiking, and to be
able to do so with simply a compass and map rather than relying on GPS gear with
limited battery life. Perhaps looking at the rest of the stuff was me just grasping at any
intellectual pursuit to avoid all the cleaning and other household chores I
need to do around here.
I know retreating into studying random stuff is probably one
habit I use to cope with anxieties: turning instead to the external factual world
rather than dealing directly with any internal irrational nervousness I may
have. I think I am feeling a bit nervous because I dared myself to sign up for
a race that is far ahead in advance of the half-marathon for which I’ve been
training, and the realization how soon this new event is approaching has set me
a little on edge. It’s only 10 kilometers, but with the little bit of extra added
pressure, along with new unknowns, it might as well be a hundred. I have enough
awareness of the physical aspects of running: getting to know intimately the
limits of my strengths and weaknesses; the psychological part however is still
very much a work in progress. I purposely threw this challenge in my way because
I really needed to explore how I’d mentally deal with this radically different
running environment* and take some of the shock away before I tried my bigger challenge
later on this summer. Races are supposed to be fun and interesting challenges
for oneself more than anything. I registered for this spontaneously to try to
keep it so. Overtraining for any one event only piles on high expectations, and
makes things seem more like a duty, and the pleasure in doing it for pleasure’s
sake gets lost out of the equation. I’m trying to convert the nervousness into
healthy excitement.
I’ve never learned how to settle myself very well when it comes
to competitions, examinations, or testing. I always had, and sometimes still
have, terrible bouts of performance anxiety. It continues to natter at me sometimes, despite formally
studying psychology in some of my adult life. I’ve been guilty of frequently deluding
myself and coming up with excuses that were less plausible and crazier sounding
than the actual core issue. No test I ever took accounted accurately for what I
honestly knew or could do, and I never had a teacher or instructor who ever
cared enough to see that pushing through this quirk of mine was the bigger
challenge for me than having knowledge of the actual test/subject material.** I
don’t need to regale in all the instances and complexities during my lifetime where
I’ve suffered badly from it, or how some assholes took advantage of me, and actively
exploited/betrayed/ bullied me because of this weakness of mine. What is worse is the anger and rage I feel for myself for allowing it to happen. Admitting this
now is hard enough to do; I don’t need to tip my hand any further by explaining
how it manifests itself for me. The ways and tools I have at my disposal for dealing
with this now are as equally personal and complex. It’s probably the greater part
of the reason why I largely prefer to be left alone and independent while I
work, play, learn things, or for generally doing almost everything else.
The Saskatchewan Marathon this coming Sunday will be my official
inaugural step into the world of actual racing. The truth and reality is such
that for now, I’m just a casual jogger; it isn’t until I begin competing alongside
with others and wearing a race entrant number tag that I will become an actual
runner.
*- I’m used to running alone all
the time; running amidst and around throngs of other people is a radically
different obstacle to reckon and adjust to for pacing myself.
**- A main reason why I have
such a contempt for the education system (or at least the kind that I endured
through as a youth). I liked learning; I loathed school.
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