A Sample Of My Running Tunes

At the risk of exposing just how weirdly eclectic my music collection is to everyone, here is a small sample of the music I tune into while I’m running. Entering a scene with your own personal soundtrack really makes a difference. I sub-categorized things some things here for songs that suit my mood/need for different kinds of motivation. I’ll limit them to about 5 to 10 per category. To pace myself, I tune into mostly the beat of either the bass drums, or the high hat cymbals, but if given the chance to, in the words of Christopher Walken, “I gotta have more COWBELL!” (just kidding) . Anyway, here are some random picks, listed in order of song title, artist, and album. If you want to have a better idea of which lyrics drive me, consult with http://www.azlyrics.com.

Pure Defiance

·         One Man Army – Our Lady Peace, Happiness...Is Not a Fish

·         Hair of the Dog – Nazareth, Hair of the Dog*

·         One – Creed , Greatest Hits

·         Animal I’ve Become – Three Days Grace, One-X

·         Subdivisions – Rush, Signals

·         Be Yourself – Audioslave, Out of Exile

·         Du Hast – Rammstein, Sehnsucht

·         In A Big Country – Big Country

·         A Boy and His Machine Gun – Matthew Good Band, Beautiful Midnight

Pleading to My Higher Power

·         Higher Power – Boston, Greatest Hits

·         Meant To Live – Switchfoot, The Beautiful Letdown

·         Precious – Depeche Mode, Playing The Angel

·         Counting Blue Cars – Dishwalla, Pet Your Friends

·         Personal Jesus – Depeche Mode, Violator

·         Heaven - Live, Album

Just To Be Happy

·         Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap, Conditions

·         Stupidly Happy – XTC, Homegrown

·         Beautiful Day – U2 , All That You Can’t Leave Behind

·         I’m Free – The Soup Dragons, Lovegod

·         This Must Be The Place (Naive Melody) – The Talking Heads, Greatest Hits

·         This Is The Day – The The, Soul Mining

·         Here Comes Your Man – The Pixies, Doolittle

·         Steal My Sunshine – Len, Go OST

·         The River – Live, Songs From Black Mountain

·         Senses Working Overtime – XTC, English Settlement

·         Alive – Edwin McCain, Honor Among Thieves

Indie/Alternative Faves

·         Work – Jimmy Eat World, Futures

·         Dead Disco – Metric, Old World Underground, Where Are You Now?

·         Hello Time Bomb – Matthew Good Band, Beautiful Midnight*

·         Gold Lion – Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Show Your Bones

·         Smokers Outside The Hospital Doors – The Editors, An End Has A Start

·         Where Is My Mind? – The Pixies, Surfer Rosa

·         Start Choppin’  - Dinosaur Jr., Where You Been

·         Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels) – Arcade Fire, Funeral

·         A Forest – The Cure, Disintegration

·         Half Way To Crazy – The Jesus and Mary Chain, Automatic

·         High – The House of Love, Babe Rainbow

Fade Into the Trance

·         Everything In It’s Right Place – Radiohead, I Might Be Wrong: Live Recorded Concert

·         Enjoy The Silence (Techno Trance Mix) – DJ Sasha & John Digweed

·         Madras – Global Experience (Tiesto), In Search of Sunrise 6: Ibiza

·         While The Earth Sleeps – Peter Gabriel & Deep Forest

·         Shivers – Armin Van Buuren, 10 Years

·         Immense Velocity(Essential Mix)- Paul Oakenfold

·         I Think I’m Paranoid (Crystal Method Crystalized Mix) – Garbage

·         Blue Monday (Mega Throb Mix) – New Order**

For Red-Lining the Gauges

·         The Fly- U2, Achtung Baby

·         Speed of Sound – Coldplay, X &Y

·         Vertigo – U2, How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb

·         The Best Things – Filter, Title of Record

·         On The Scene – Big Sugar

·         Scratching The Surface – Saga, Heads or Tales

·         Confusion (Blade Soundtrack Mix)- New Order

Be A Very Disciplined Machine

·         Wind Him Up – Saga, Worlds Apart

·         New World Man – Rush, Signals

·         Machinehead – Bush, Sixteen Stone

·         Warm Machine – Bush, The Science of Things

·         Radar Love – Golden Earring

·         Stripped(live version), Depeche Mode

Strength and Power

·         Load Me Up - Matthew Good, Beautiful Midnight

·         Strength – The Alarm, Strength

·         Fearless – The Bravery, The Bravery

·         Magic Power –Triumph, Allied Forces

·         One Little Victory – Rush, Vapour Trails

·         Run – Spiritualized, Laser Guided Melodies

Get Ready For War/Work Through the Pain

·         Working Man – Rush, Rush

·         Everyday Is Exactly The Same – Nine Inch Nails, Everyday Is Exactly The Same

·         The Trick Is To Keep Breathing – Garbage, Version 2.0

·         Fevered – The Stills, Logic Will Break Your Heart

·         Cuts You Up – Peter Murphy, Deep

·         Lunatic Fringe - Red Rider, As Far As Siam

·         Marathon – Rush, Power Windows

·         War Pigs – Black Sabbath, Speak Of The Devil

·         Locomotive Breath – Jethro Tull, Aqualung

·         Jesus Christ Pose – Soundgarden, Badmotorfinger

Porno Throb Grooviness (Shake That Sexy Junk Baby)

·         Still In Love Song- The Stills, Logic Will Break Your Heart

·         Who’s Your Daddy – Benny Benassi

·         Professional Widow(Armand’s Star Trunk Funk Mix)- Tori Amos, Classic House Mix

·         I Feel It In My Bones – DJ Tiesto (featuring Tegan and Sara)

·         I Love My Sex – Benny Benassi

·         Gia – Despina Vandi, Buddha Bar V

·         Always (Psychedelic Martini Mix) – DJ Sasha

·         Do Ya Think I’m Sexy – Rod Stewart, Blonds Have More Fun

·         Do You Feel Me – Tiesto (featuring Julie Thompson), Elements of Life

·         Push The Feeling On – The Nightcrawlers, Classic House Mix

·         Your Loving Arms – Karen Overton with Tiesto, In Search Of Sunrise 5

Time To Get Grungy Baby

·         Spoonman – Soundgarden, Superunknown*

·         Gone Away – The Offspring

·         Even Flow – Pearl Jam, Ten

·         Alive – Pearl Jam, Ten

·         Never Let You – Third Eye Blind, Greatest Hits

·         Swallowed – Bush, Razorblade Suitcase

·         Sweetness – Jimmy Eat World

·         Stay Away – Nirvana, Nevermind

·         Everything Zen – Bush, Sixteen Stone

For a Confident Stride

·         Made of Steel – Our Lady Peace, Gravity

·         Downtime – The Gandharvas, Sold For A Smile

·         Not Enough Time – INXS, Greatest Hits

·         Starlight – Muse, Black Holes and Revelations

·         The Pass – Rush, Presto

·         Time Stand Still – Rush, Hold Your Fire

·         Love Is Strong – The Rolling Stones, Voodoo Lounge

From the Old Cool Smoothies

·         Golden Years – David Bowie, Station To Station

·         Rebel Rebel – David Bowie, Diamond Dogs

·         Slow Burn – David Bowie, Heathen

·         This Beat Goes On/Switching To Glide – The Kings

·         I Don’t Care Anymore – Phil Collins, Hello, I Must Be Going!

·         Big Mouth Strikes Again – The Smiths, The Queen Is Dead

·         Deathwish – The Police, Regatta de Blanc

·         Driven To Tears – The Police, Zenyetta Mondetta

·         Same Old Scene – Bryan Ferry & Roxy Music, Greatest Hits

·         Games Without Frontiers – Peter Gabriel, Shaking The Tree

·         Tall Cool One – Robert Plant, Now and Zen

*- Also counts as one of those “I gotta have more Cowbell!” songs

**- I don’t have the right track title, It’s the name I gave it

My Celebrity Fitness Role Model

As I started on the road to making a healthier lifestyle for myself, I realized that one of the reasons why I wasn't so successful before with my first few attempts was that I had no image of a result in mind. I didn't have some kind of analogue or realistic visual model form to look like, to aspire to, or to compare myself to for setting an achievable fitness goal. There was nothing on the "vision board", if you believe in that sort of thing. I realized that I wasn't above needing such a figure as an example. It's kind of challenging though to figure out how to do it when firstly, I don't find much pleasing or attractive in any male body or form to begin with; secondly, I don't even come close to being equated with or resembling anyone notably famous, real or fictitious, living or dead, who is a quality specimen of optimal health. I decided to be practical about this. My focus is just on getting healthier for starters; if I get better looking through the process somehow, well, it would be just an incidental bonus. Picking a person featured on the front cover of Men's Health magazine (as much as I find the material helpful) would not have been applicable for me. These guys are in their twenties or early thirties. That's not me. Most of them are full-time athletes, or have careers in kinesiology, committing most of their waking hours to doing physical activity, or fitness training. That isn't me either. My interest in fitness is not that amped up, plus, I don't have that many hours on my clock to spare on working out. My goal is to become leaner and more noticeably toned; not to bulk up to a great degree. It's hard enough for me to shop for clothes as it is, never mind adding to it a very disproportional size differential, between my arms, chest, legs, and waist to my height. I asked myself, "Who are the guys who generally have the toned and lean body type, but didn't spend all damn day in a gym working to achieve it?" The only answer that came to my mind was...actors.

I should hope that there'd be very few instances when I'll lower myself to use anything of the Hollywood news and gossip on the Internet as some sort of oracle in answering tough (and strange) questions for the purpose of doing something life enhancing; this, however, was one time that I did do just that. After doing some research, with practical questions in mind, I arrived at the conclusion that Daniel Craig, Hollywood's current James Bond (007), should be my fitness role model. The reasons are listed as thus:

• Age and height: The most important and practical aspect I could think of for finding a muse, for the lack of a better word, was to select someone who was the close to the same age and height as I am, and who was in fit form. Except for the form, I most closely matched up with the profile of Daniel Craig with those criteria. Although Daniel Craig is slightly taller than me (by an inch or so), and slightly older than me (by about six months) he is, so far, the best one that had come up after reviewing some vitals of several potential candidates. The same age aspect helps me to defeat any excuses and negative thinking that I wouldn't be able to do all this because of my particular count of years. The same height aspect is helpful for comparison, to gauge what proportions I would really be working towards, more or less, as I get fitter.
  
• Lean and toned looking, but not a professional athlete: Daniel Craig has to obviously use some gym-time to stay fit for the role of 007, but of course has to use the majority of his work day as an actor with scripting, rehearsing, filming, etc. Therefore, any workout plan that he uses for strength training would necessarily have to be kept brief time-wise, and be very efficient to accommodate for his day's schedule. I pre-selected some routines that give me a full body workout in a short period of time before I even looked up the workout stats for Daniel Craig. It pleased me to see that when I did come around to reviewing his workout routine, I already came close to what he was doing, although he uses an actual gym facility more than I would.
  
• More average looking; not outrageously handsome: Some people, especially some women, may disagree with me about this, but Daniel Craig, in my mind, is not an exceedingly handsome man. In fact, I dare say that if he had my hair and eye colour, and we both stood together for comparison, he would actually look worse than I do from the neck up (and likewise; I wouldn't look any better if I had his eyes and hair colour). I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, since my focus is on physique, and not facial features. It's just that it would be easier and less intimidating for me to have a role model with looks more equally on the 'humble' side along with me than ones that are way above average. As far as it goes for all those actors who've been cast as James Bond, Pierce Brosnan probably wins hands down as the most handsome one. Oh yes, I will admit Craig is distinctive, but not in a 'pretty boy' kind of way. That's why I think he is the best Bond so far. Could you seriously imagine someone as freakishly good-looking as Pierce Brosnan, with any convincing measure of resilience and defiance, being able to take the pounding, beating, shit-kicking, and torture the way the character of James Bond in Casino Royale did? It would almost be laughable to see that happen. For this tougher and more intensified version of 007, there needed to be a tougher, more intense looking, rough-around-the-edges looking actor to play him. They made the perfect decision in casting Daniel Craig for this round of Bond films. I'm digressing a bit though; this isn't film study. Back to fitness role model business.
  
• Working strange, variable hours: Being an actor would demand having to be versatile enough to work long hours at all hours of the day, just like a healthcare worker's lifestyle. I figured that if a workout is to be squeezed into any day given these conditions, there must be a fitness plan that accounts for the ways that working weird hours can physiologically mess you up; and would still be effective enough to produce results, even throughout the times when the body is put under pressure of having its daily rhythms scrambled up all the time. If properly consulted, Daniel Craig would probably have a plan that accommodates for this, as he is coping with jetlag from switching set locations, and shooting scenes at night. Realistically, this is what I would need as well.
  
• Adopting the 007 attitude: To be persistent, and to stay focused and disciplined to make all this effort pay off (or to at least help to make the whole workout process a little more fun and entertaining) it's a great boost for me to think in terms of, "What would James Bond do?" as I'm doing cardio or weights. I would guess that it's the same thing going on in Daniel Craig's head as he is performing this role trying to execute a scene perfectly. It serves as the push I sometimes use and need to force myself to go farther, or harder when I'm exercising. Would 007 slow down and stop because he is a little winded after running five kilometres uphill chasing a terrorist? Hell no, in fact he'd run five kilometres more if it served to wipe out a whole terrorist cell. Should I slow down after jogging five kilometres because I'm a little winded as I pursue better health? Same answer, hell no! In fact I should run five kilometres more if it served to eradicate one more tumour cell. Would 007 just quit shoving the head of some rat-bastard informant through to the bottom of a filled bathroom sink because it was a bit of an inconvenience? I doubt it! Should I stop sinking this deviant enzyme level down to a normal level with a proper diet because it's all a bit too inconvenient? No way! Not gonna let that happen. That's the kind thinking it gets translated into for my own use. I figured if I tried and copy that sort of determination and resilience, it wouldn't be long until I eventually and actually adopted it for real.
  
• Other minutia: I find it coincidental that we both have loved ones in our lives named Ella (his is his daughter, mine is my dog). We are both linked in a way with Cheshire (he was born in Cheshire, England; I'm work within the Cheshire Foundation). That's where our similarities end.
  

I'm not so delusional as to think that I'll ever come close to being as tough, adventurous, or built like a James Bond, or even close to resembling a body double of Daniel Craig. Realistically, according to the numbers indicating my comparative muscle and bone density from the InBody 230 readout, I'll probably always be heavier than he is, even with me getting as lean as possible. That doesn't matter. What does matter is knowing and seeing that there are ways and means to get better physically that works for someone of my height, age, and lifestyle; a living example of someone who can maintain it, and a using powerful mindset and attitude to persist at it. All this is to help me look like someone which one should take seriously, be respected, and to look and feel very capable and competent, despite my age, in order that I can enter and take on the next few challenges ahead in my life. Thanks a lot Mr. Craig.

Things and People I Thank for My Recent Fitness Successes

After I took possession of my new place in August 2009, I started to half-heartedly pursue my next big goal, which I figured would be necessary to boost me to better things: working toward personal fitness and a healthier lifestyle. However, my motivation for that dwindled down along with the ending of that summer as I made settling in my new condo a priority; directing my time and energy to that challenge instead. I gave thought to it again as that year closed, but then came a series of new energy-sapping incidents, which included a mystery eye infection, a serious betrayal of my trust, an infestation, and a couple of other emergencies, starting in December 2009; lasting right up until August 2010. Again, I attempted a half-hearted effort for better health and fitness during the fall of that year, but my commitment to that bout deteriorated as quickly as the previous time as a new round of adverse things transpired during the early part of winter of that year to again test my wits. I suppose around December 2010, the stress, fear and anger from it all led to a depression, and when January 2011 came, I felt pissed off enough to resolve to get myself back on track with things, no matter what else came, no matter how badly things got, no matter how I felt about it all, or how things ended up. What I really needed to do was get in a headspace where I tune into some good, sound motivators. I could credit some stuff like walking my dog more, or biking more to save gas; but having more recreational time with my dog, and living greener and saving money are things that I like to do. The truly more powerful motivators are things that get you off your ass, to make you face up to the stuff of life that you don't want or like to do and force you to cross barriers to bring you to something better in the long run. Here is what I would consider to be the top ten of them (in no particular order) since the beginning of January of this year right up to now.

1. The Threat of Cancer – Perhaps it's strange to mention this as something to be thankful for, but it's true. Part of the thing that was giving me so much grief through the winter of 2010/2011 was a nagging, gnawing sensation around the left side of my lower abdomen. Sometimes it was just a mild discomfort, other times the intensity of the migrating pain felt like it could put me on the floor, especially when I felt it reaching right down into my groin. When it came to be that intense, I thought it could be prostate problems, which seem to run in the family. Weird fluctuations in my weight, energy and appetite levels occurred as well. I got checked out in my upcoming physical, and some freakish numbers concerning my pancreatic enzyme activity sent up warning flags for my doctor. More tests were issued. My diagnosis turned out to be appearances of haemangiomas, basically tumours growing around my blood vessels, somewhere in my abdomen. They are assumed to be around the vicinity of my pancreas, causing some abnormal pancreatic enzyme production. For now, all this stuff is speculated to be benign, but this was shocking news to hear at first; I vowed that I was not going to allow myself to get sicker than this. I was not, through my own ignorance, going to set the stage to let things progress or worsen to a greater state or chance of getting pancreatic cancer. This is probably the greatest primary motivator for taking the actions that I have so far, for living a less toxic lifestyle, getting more active, and losing some excess weight. I've been feeling a lot less pain now ever since doing all this.
   
2. MJ – My best friend throughout all of this. I've watched her progress onward and upward with her challenge of getting healthier. She still managed to do it all while struggling through a time of recuperating from past physical injuries. That has been inspirational for me. She has been supportive, and sharing with me things that have worked for her, and gifted me some stuff that helped set me on my path. She reminds me to stay disciplined. She is the M, to my inner 007 (see next point).
   
3. The Craig Plan – No, I'm not talking about the friggin' Jenny Craig Plan. I'm talking about...the Daniel Craig plan. The reasons are numerous as to why I chose this route to follow which flow into a separate topic all unto itself, so I'll just hyperlink this point to another blog entry so you can read at your leisure about my Fitness Role Model.
   
4. Men's Health Magazine- A great publication to help get an average guy like me started off with some basic fundamentals. Several of the workout techniques are doable without having to go to a gym. This was perfect for me for beginning some strength training as I started off in the middle of winter; avoiding wasting time with warming up a vehicle and dragging a change of clothes around elsewhere for much of the week. My only complaint of this publication is that most of the material seems to be targeted to guys between the mid twenties through to the mid thirties age-wise.
   
5. Tim Ferriss- Men's Health Magazine provided me with endless options; Tim Ferriss is the guy who helped narrow them down for me through his book The Four Hour Body. I don't have a lot of time throughout a typical day to devote purely to diet and exercise. His book helped to shatter a lot of illusions as to what I would need in terms of time and other resources to achieve my fitness goals. The most valuable lessons I gleaned from Tim's book was the power of scaling things down to MED (minimal effective dose), and bringing to mind the effectiveness of Kaizen (big gains made by using small, cumulative changes and improvements). I like his general take on life too, and I feel that stuff in his other writings are going to have a big effect on the future I chose to create for myself.
   
6. InBody 230 – This is a body composition analyzer. I needed feedback as to where to start from, and what acceptable for me in terms of muscle mass, body fat percentage, and bone density, and what is realistic for me to achieve through whatever fitness efforts I do. This unit tests all of that for you. When I first got tested, I was shocked to see just how close I was to getting where I felt it was good to be health-wise. I'm curious as to what the next readout will tell me.
   
7. Orthotics – The most useful activity that has helped me to trim and burn off most of the excess poundage, by far, has to be the jogging. However, the problem before was that, for the greater part of my life due to certain foot deformities, I wasn't ever able to run very fast or far without extreme shin splints, shock to my knees, or other debilitating cramps and foot pain. It wasn't until about five years ago, when I finally went to a proper podiatrist to get my step gauged and measured for getting fitted for a suitable orthotic appliance. I was told straight off that if I continued walking without them, I may be using a cane or crutches by the age of 50 because of all the excess joint wear my particular deviations in my step were causing. If someone told me five years ago that someday I'd be able to run past fifteen, or even past five kilometres, I would have laughed or scoffed at them. I wish I would have had the sense to get these things earlier in my life.
   
8. Nike +/Apple Running Sensor –"What gets measured gets managed", was one salient thing for me that I saw quoted in Tim Ferriss's aforementioned book. That is very much true for me, especially when I'm doing both the measuring and managing. I find being able to track and monitor my own performance with some tool very empowering. I hate it when other people are involved, looming over my shoulder, and tallying some score through conditions of which I'm not in control. That greatly annoys me. Thanks to the collaborative efforts of Nike and Apple, for their development of the tracking sensor which signals into my iTouch, and records my statistics and progress during my runs. I set it then forget it, there's no subjective guessing of performance, and no chance of cheating the system. It gives me feedback through the headphones as to anything I want tracked for myself (distance, time, calories burned). Whenever I sync my iTouch and recharge it, the results are automatically uploaded to the Nike+ website. The site also allows you to plan and create maps of any running course you're thinking of attempting. It has options for setting goals, on any dimension of running you can think of (speed, distance, frequency, calories burned, etc.). It's a terrific thing, especially if you are an analytical nerd attempting something athletic, like me.
   
9. ITunes – Just running alone would be too boring without any good music, or motivational lectures/podcasts to listen to. I custom programme my own playlists for my stints of running. Here are a few tracks I use. Through iTunes, I also have downloaded some useful calorie monitoring and diet/fitness apps, like My Fitness Pal, and various other exercise logs. Again, if this weren't available, the inner nerd in me would never allow myself to get motivated for fitness at all.
   
10. Larry Winget – Finally, I get to mention the toughest, hard-nosed, in-your-face, put-a-cowboy boot-up-your-ass, motivator out of all of these I've listed. Actually, Larry Winget is not what you would call a true motivational speaker/writer. He is, more accurately, what he is self-acclaimed to be... an irritational speaker. Let me warn you now, if the help you want for facing hard reality and dealing with life's big problems is the kind that's all fuzzy and cutesy; wrapped up in sweet, politically correct language and tender words, then you sure as hell won't get it from a man who has written books titled, People are Idiots, and I Can Prove It, and Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get A Life!. I have some of the literature and audio books of this man. He talks loud and boldly, he dresses even more so. He is direct. He can be obnoxious. He will be argumentative. He wouldn't care if he made you cry as he lambasted you about your very personal flaws and deficits (in fact, he'd probably love to see that happen). He does his damnedest to bury the truth down deep inside your skull, like a madman wielding a hatchet, about what your delusions and self-defeating behaviours are, what they are doing to you, and how you have failed to do anything so far about them. He is no hypocrite. He freely confesses his own screw ups, and shares the hard lessons that he went through to set himself back on the road to success. The only absolving feature about him, that keeps him from being branded as a purely and plainly mean son of a bitch, is that after all the criticisms he makes he also presents and shares solutions and practical steps toward action. Indeed, he does come through with sharing practical advice; it's just that using brutal honesty for getting you so irritated about the mess you've made for yourself is Larry's style, and he sees it as an important step for you to do to make damn good and certain that you'll want to get out of it, and never screw up that way again. Larry genuinely would like to see all people be successful and do better for themselves; he just won't bullshit you about what it takes to achieve it, i.e. good old-fashioned hard work. In regard to health, work, money, and lifestyle, Larry uses the naked truth to put a Kung Fu grip on your stubborn parts of your psyche that are left immersed in the toilet of denial, and then he'll bitchslap you back into reality with some good rhetoric of logic and common sense. Goddamn it, I love this guy! It's his method of tactical questioning that really enthrals me. Whenever I'm put into the position of having to help people realize some facts about the consequences of what their ignorance or poor conduct is doing to themselves and others around them I, at first, try to be polite, kind, and tactful in addressing them about it. However, if they fail to accept or acknowledge that approach for the first time (or, Good God, sometimes even a second time!) then I get into a state of what I term as "going Winget on their ass". For those times when my own positive, polite, tactful self-talk fails to encourage me to do the right thing, I imagine what drill sergeant Larry would be saying to me if he had the chance to. It tends to at least get me moving in a better direction. For myself, along with using the 007 attitude, taking hold of Larry's approach and using it on my own self has helped me to be disciplined enough to fix some big problems, and to gain the personal fitness milestones and successes that I have made.

A Nightshift Chronicle

Here's my first feedback entry. I got the idea after listening to a lecture track of Alan Watts recording what he experienced after he took a dose of LSD in the name of science. It was one of the series of podcast lectures I was listening to as some measure to lull myself to sleep before one of my nightshifts. Of course it never worked, and to this day, I've always had problems preparing for the bloody gruelling nightshift at work; always robbing myself of sleep time, and short circuiting my mental wiring such that I'd experience physical and mental side effects for days afterward. So, as sort of an experiment, I thought I would use this opportunity to do some practical empirical observation of what I actually experience through these few, cursed occasions of extreme sleep deprivation. I'll try to be uncensored and unedited as much as possible. I do this to note what parts of the night, and how the disintegration starts; and what of this whole trial is changeable, and the course of recovery afterward. As I record this, I hope I don't uncover any signs of completely flipping out mentally like Hunter S. Thompson, or worse, Charlie Sheen. The most important thing is to be honest about it. Seeing that this is at work I'll be restricting recording to the latter few minutes of each hour as I routinely pace myself; only after I've completed my obligations and duties, and only when the exhaustion starts to set in. I'll keep it up until I actually drift off to sleep.

Here's the rundown of my pre-shift activity during the day, and what I did to try to sleep and prepare for tonight:

• Took a couple glasses of wine after coming home after lunch, no dice
  
• Watched a DVD, trying to at least do something passive to sit still to wind down, didn't work
  
• Used a Night time Advil, finally got a little drowsy by 3:30pm, napped about one and a half hours
  

Here's the thought process as it happened for the rest of the shift:

• 3:48 am – Finished about 95% of what I'm supposed to do around here. Body is beginning to stiffen up, and I feel like I'm twisting and hunching up in a question mark posture as I write this. I'm surprisingly still quite alert, although I feel still quite askew mentally. Writing isn't coming to me as automatically as it usually does. I've kept the TV and radio off purposely. I don't think I can deal with having any more excess sensory info to process. I was reflecting on the DVD I half-saw and hoped would bore me to sleep this afternoon, District 9. It's a sci-fi movie about aliens occupying a shanty township in Johannesburg, South Africa. I wondered would happen if an alien spaceship parked itself over this place and observed the life forms here, and what judgements and conclusions they would have from their analysis of these beings around here. There certainly could be all sorts of fodder for humour with that instant of thought alone, I'm sure. However, I don't have a big enough reserve of energy to start writing it here and now.
  
• 4:51 am- Jumped around for a few buzzer calls within the hour. Legs hardly want to move, and the beginnings of a headache are appearing. Trying to think as hard as I can about what other reasons I'd have for troubling myself for being awake at this ungodly hour. Using the bathroom, thwarting a home burglary, and perhaps a booty call are the only three I could come up with. There is enough sunshine appearing now to override and screw up my mental clock.
  
• 5:45 am- Can't stop yawning. Soreness migrating to my back and shoulders. Double checking my check lists because I honestly have no reliable short-term memory by now. My reflexes aren't even quick enough to swat this one stupid mosquito that has been whirring around my head here for the longest while. I'm very hungry too, but I'll eat when I'm at home. The only reason I'd be willingly up at this time is to hit the road to go fishing somewhere. It's very tempting to get some coffee in me too, but I'm sure that a single cup now could ruin my system for the rest of the week.
  
• 6:38 am - Powerless. All physical movement is slow and clumsy. I stagger. If I were hooked up to medical monitors, some might have flat lines.
  
• 7:44 am – Back home, took a couple of Night Time Advils, waiting for them to knock me out, then I walk the dog for a few minutes, but the sunshine just makes me more stimulated. I see Ella lying here in bed with me and I get very envious of how easy it is for her to switch into sleep mode. Damn you dog!
  
• 8:53 am – Breathing and blinking eyes, and feeling very disturbed that this is all my mind is capable of noticing at this moment.
  
• 11:30 am – I just woke up. I must have fallen asleep shortly after 9:00 am. I may have been still sleeping, but the hunger I have now is so overwhelming. There's only a hunk of steak in the fridge, all else is condiments and alcohol. Ella seems happy that I look alive. The plan is to eat and go for walk to Broadway, square up with some bills, and maybe nap again when we return home.
  
• 1:23 pm – Returned home, feeling so woozy. I blame some dramatic fluctuation with my blood sugar or something, or perhaps a weird after effect with the Advils. Noticed that dark clouds are rolling in, and I'm kind of thankful, because without sunny weather, I may feel more inclined to nap. Going back to bed.
  
• 5:34 pm – Holy crap! I actually did manage to lapse into some R.E.M. sleep. I may have slept longer had not the content of the dreamscape been so bloody weird. Wicked hungry again. At least my muscles and joints aren't aching anymore. Have to go shopping for chow. This is the state that worries me most post-nightshift. It's the state where my body is now able and active, but mentally, I still feel so askew. This is the time known as "the period of bad decisions". I have this theory that if the Apocalypse were to come, causing the end of the world, it would most likely have resulted due to some action from some asshole recovering poorly from a bad sleep after doing a nightshift. In this case, I could physically use my kitchen, but mentally, I have no creative mind on what or how to even cook. Hence I burn out of here buying junk food, or pre-packaged crap for instant convenience, which is all contra to my diet plan...bad decision.
• 7:44 pm – Being disciplined enough to avoid the caffeine, which would really knock me out of kilter with the circadian rhythms. Not disciplined enough to avoid using alcohol as a remedy. Sailor Jerry's spiced rum was the hardest stuff I have around here. Before drinking, I rushed out to grab a little culinary indulgence, just some sushi bento box from Sobeys, it's probably the healthiest choice I could have made given the circumstances. Toro, that nice luscious piece of fatty belly meat from a tuna, rolled up with some creamy avocado seemed irresistible somehow. I hear it thundering outside now; strangely, it's one loud noise that I can sleep through, in fact I find it comforting somehow. I'm finishing my Sailor Jerry's and cola, and then heading to bed again, hopefully for sweeter dreams. End of entry.